So much has happened in life since my last post after Navaratri that I’m confused where to start? Which multicolored thread of life should I pick to start knitting on the blog again?
The sabbatical from work & Yes!+ have lasted almost 4 months & now, at the end of it, I find myself at peace.:) Peace from the discipline I was able to maintain in terms of Sadhana & knowledge, watching my thoughts, being consciously aware of my feelings, bringing myself back again and again, a multi fold times in alignment to who I am (at least the little glimpse of what I know of me now) & to what I look forward to become.
The journey (which is obviously continuing and will carry on) has seen me through; on one hand, really dark hours, lonely nights, agonized & lost with no belief, faith, purpose and no idea of myself & no one to share it with & on the other hand I’ve witnessed a glimpse of myself, bliss, joy of being able to read my own mind & channel my thoughts, experience the strength of regular Sadhana, the realizations from Guruji’s knowledge & the pure ecstasy of being able to implement them at the right time & experience an unimaginable flourish of positive emotions & thoughts & belongingness with others. I emerge much stronger, calmer, happier & with unshakeable faith in myself and in HIM than ever.
“Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength.”
These 4 months have been an intimate advance course just between me & Guruji, and they have been precious. There have been days when I haven’t spoken at all! Which by the way, I wish to complement by talking as much as possible now (a quality janta doesn’t associate with me :) ). However, I want to talk knowledge, I want to speak words of such energy which inspire people, which brings silence to them and love in their hearts.
Many people, so I have heard, had many opinions & judgements on why I left and how I left & why I shouldn’t have etc. drawing their own conclusions. Well, I left because I could not continue to be miserable any longer, it was as simple as that. It was a wake up call, my soul crying out loud to leave everything or grow up! And I am glad that I did. I was sick & tired of feeling lonely, I was exhausted of hoping against hope, waiting for ‘her’ answer & being taken for a ride in turn & I was being drained by my own mind.
I could not lead a team of people when I myself felt that way. I want to take care of my people and reach out to others & I couldn’t do that when I had lost touch with my reality itself. It just seemed hypocritical to me. And I do things from the heart, if something does not appear right to me, to my values – I can’t do it & I voice it out as such too. That’s probably why I’m also one of the most politically incorrect people one can hope to come across. It was a courageous choice, if I ever wanted a chance at being happy & at changing the lives of others. It meant letting go of lots of baggage, turning into myself, facing my own demons, going through nightmares & sometimes avoiding sleep as much as humanly possible to avoid the nightmares, being so god damn restless, being brutally honest with myself & still be positive & loving.
And I had to do it, to forget her, to “move on” as ‘she’ said it, as if it meant nothing. Two Years! I had to be away from her to be able to do that.
“Every heart sings a song, incomplete, until another heart whispers back. Those who wish to sing always find a song. At the touch of a lover, everyone becomes a poet.”
I travelled to the Ashram many times to be in the presence of Guruji. And it was revolutionary! Although I have been in ashram on multiple occasions before, however this time I actually was able to feel the positive vibrations from ashram long after I came back. Every time I journeyed to the sacred place, my home now, I was going back to my old patterns of perceiving & being. Every time I came back, I found myself recharged & on a different height of consciousness to continue on the quest of finding myself. And since the last time I went there, those positive vibes and the changes in me thereafter, have stayed; have become a part, a second nature to me. The questions which I carried with myself were all answered every time I was in the presence of Guruji. And the wonder of it all is that they were answered in the exact same words in which I was thinking about them, as if HE was talking directly to me, leaving no doubt that this can't be a repetition of co-incidences.
I have found that every smile doesn’t carry happiness behind it; there are some smiles which are just to veil the pain one is going through. How people who are the most verbal have the least sense of propriety or commitment. How people can say anything, as long as that makes them look intelligent or part of a herd. How people have forgotten the reasons why they chose to be on the spiritual path, if they ever had one. I have found people who have topped there college academics can be the dumbest people one can find. I have found people become ‘friends’ for time pass. I’ve found that if you are in love with one person for a long time & the other person is not reciprocating emotion, you end up being abused & used, doesn’t matter how patient or forgiving you can become.
What I’ve also learnt is how beautiful people really are. There is so much joy in the world, at the same time there is so much sadness. Joy is light; misery is darkness. Light is everywhere, darkness is not a substance – just the absence of light. People get into relationships for sex, to end their loneliness, just to ‘go out’, to pump their ego rather than for the actual purpose of the relationships which is to grow, to share, to uplift oneself and the other, to help each other let go of their past baggage & become innocent & childlike again, to relate to one another, to find oneself & to implement all knowledge pointsJ. Love does conquer all, it does move the world.
I’ve learnt that I don’t have to hide my pain; it’s required to be 100% in one’s pain too & then it flips and turn into bliss. Life is a process of creation not a process of discovery. One has to create one’s own reality. Anything is possible. We are not required to learn anything, all we need to do is be aware and centred and remember what we have already known for ages. One can be happy, no matter what the situation one finds oneself with. Accept and hit it. Happiness is really a state of mind. I’ve experienced pain is inevitable suffering is optional. I have learnt it’s necessary to forgive, not for others for ones’ own expansion.
I’ve found that you know you are in love with someone when she makes you want to be a better person everyday and when her name becomes a part of your prayer. Not the prayer of asking her for yourself but requesting from God for her to be happy & healthy come what may, even though I've hated her sometimes for the hurt I have felt because of her. And I’ve found that without Love in the heart, meditation is empty. Love takes one through the most beautiful experiences, one can ever have.
“Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.”
And thus the quest continues... But for now I am back with a bang! There is work to be done, roads to be navigated, smiles to be shared & people are waiting!
“Sometimes you don't know what you're missing until you reach out to touch it. Sometimes you can't see how beautiful something is until it steps back into the light. And sometimes you miss a love you almost didn't lose. But when you need beauty, dream.”
