My Journey From Head to Heart
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Chak de...Kuch kariye!

Have you seen Chak de India, yet! If not, get the ticket reserved for this weekend and go watch it. It’s awesome, for lack of better words. (I often find myself bemused when it comes to praise something which is really grand, not know many helpful synonyms for the same!) I am anyway SRK’s fan, so I was bound to like the movie, but it’ll surprise you even if you are the biggest critic of King Khan. His performance has been remarkably restrained & yet powerful. No overacting and over show of emotions, which he has been accused of every-time, and I agree he really went over board in KANK. However, this movie shows why he is the badshaah of Bollywood.

I won’t reveal much about the movie but it’s based on real life story of Indian men’s hockey teams’ former Goal keeper
Mir Ranjan Negi. The music is thumping & goes with movie’s theme – sports movie. The new female actors which form the Indian National women’s Hockey team have done great job. Esp. Harayana girl Komal Chautala with her Haryana slangs and language, Preeti Sabarwal– looks really pretty & the warring between the two & Balbir - Punjab da garam puttar. Movie’s been really well edited and directed. What amazingly fresh and brilliant Hockey astro-turf. YashRaj films have received a lot of flak lately, for their repetitive themes and skin show; this movie will silence the critics. NDTV gives 4/5 and 3.5/5 stars. A double thumbs up!

Had a blast in the theatre!!! We were 25 people and we screamed our lungs out. I have never before sung a song aloud during a movie. Being a Nationalist & a proud Indian I absolutely loved the movie. Got me thinking too about something totally unrelated. (Will come to that later.)

End of last month went for Yes++ in Ashram with Dinesh bhaiya. It was as expected – heartfelt, graceful & amazing (again for the lack of better words). Dinesh Bhaiya’s subtle humor really tickles my funny bone. Play of words, intonations, hand actions & expressions are really timed to perfection. Add to that, the immense knowledge he has & the pleasantness, power, commitment, charisma and lightness that goes with it makes him so inspirational.

The course was really cool with 20 of us from Chennai. Had lot of fun again, felt sick during the end of the course again, meditations were as powerful as ever, learnt & felt new things in me that I haven’t felt before. The experience was deep. Then Bau came & answered all kind of weird questions from us with such Grace, wit & knowledge that everybody’s mind went silent. We were all rolling on the floor laughing. Bau and Dinesh bhaiya work together as a team and yet they are the 2 most different people you can find, brought together by HIM for a common vision - being M.A.D (Make A Difference).

For the past few days, esp. after the upgrade got over, thinking a lot about HER. Coming back to the movie, the real life hero Mir Negi, had lost a son too few weeks before he agreed to guide and advise the movie team. Here’s a man who faced 16 years of humiliation after India lost finals to Pakistan by 1-7, he was labeled as traitor, his home was stoned, the electricity half way through his wedding was cut off and rest of the ceremony had to be carried on without it. Here’s a man who has been in exile for 1 and a half decades and yet apparently God thinks he haven’t had enough & his 19 year old son dies in a road accident. I don’t think that God is a sadist, in fact I have really interesting thoughts about him & I am a believer, still it makes me ponder – is there really a point behind every thing that happens or does not happen for that matter? Does everything happens for a reason or they are just events unfolding at random? I wonder that the way things are with her, does that have any cause behind it?

I know that’s supposed to make me stronger, matured & understanding. Our relationships are a mirror of ourselves – someone said once, I think it’s showing me how I am really and learning from it. However, that’s in the long run. What I don’t get is things which happen everyday, are they happening for the same or even different or any reason at all?

Anyway, I don’t have a clue why I am being the way I am for the past few days. The only thing which I want to do is talk to her & when she does so, I don’t even pick up the phone. The only thing I want to do is be with her, to sit next to her again, to dance with her again, to pick & drop her again, however when she is around, I avoid her. We were together for the movie but not a word, lunch – nothing, then we were together again in the home & all I would have wanted to play carom with her and sing with her or just listen to her but what do I do, I go to the terrace and listen to songs and think about old times and cry. How much more lame can 1 get? Then I faked it all (which I am not good at) during satsang after taking a Sankalpa of doing so in the temple before the satsang. The smile, the energy, the dancing everything. All I wanted was to be next to her, to at least look into her eyes but nothing!

I know people fake for all kinds of reasons. But why do we do something when we want to do something completely different? I know I am not alone. And I wonder when I’ll start being myself around her again. I believe in authentic, heartfelt living & not being able to that just makes me feel so weird and uncomfortable.

I have thought of & ruled out going to Bangalore, coz I don’t want to run off from her. I have thought of & ruled out quitting AOL coz I want to work with her & follow my commitment towards Yes!+, which has given me so much & not my feelings. I have tried to forget her or ‘get over her’, somehow it keeps coming back to me.

And the way whatever little we talk nowadays, feels so curt. Instead of 'Hi idiot', 'what r u doing', 'hw was ur day', it starts with distant sounding 'Jai Gurudev' and instead of ending with 'byeeee', 'TC', 'sweet dreamzz' or smiles it ends with 'Jai Gurudev' again. Feels so terse.

This post feels so heavy, but I’ll get back soon.
P.S: O.M, will post the tag soon, needed to get this out ASAP.
Vid1Div2: Will reply to ur comment soon.

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