My Journey From Head to Heart
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Of Appearances & Choices.

Why do we sometimes pretend to be somebody we are not? Why do, when we actually want to do one thing, but end up doing something else? Why can’t we say what we actually want to say instead of keeping quiet or saying something that doesn’t really matters? Why are we indifferent with some of our friends while cheerful with others?

I am referring to the situation that’s going between the two of us. We are not talking but we want to. I see her everyday but I don’t as much even look in her direction, forget about looking in her eyes. I want to sit next to her, to talk to her; but I don’t. By the time she left yesterday it was late & although what I really wanted was, to drop her back home, however I didn’t. We met her at her home today, but I did not as much said a Hi or Bye to her. She looks at me & although I want to smile back, I don’t. I pretend that I don’t even notice her, that I do not have any feelings for her, anymore; but I do.

I’m consciously aware that this is because of the set of choices I’ve made in the past 3 weeks, after we actually stopped talking. I had actually reached the tipping point of being unhappy & miserable & doing & saying hurtful things, out of ignorance, unintentionally. I did not like what I was becoming. Although I accepted to myself, the fact that I was hurting so much, however what I hated the most was the way I was passing on that hurt to her. I hated the fact that I had become so weak, that I’ve stopped smiling, that I’ve become so silent from outside but there is so much noise inside my cranium, that I’ve become so bitter & resentful, however more than anything I despised the person that I was becoming.

I had reached a saturation point where I had to do have a radical turn around. It took me a long time to really understand that our life is what we choose to make of it, our life is result of our choices & what we are and how we feel is actually the way we have chosen to be & feel. I cannot blame anybody for the way I am feeling or for my circumstances. In any situation what happens to you is not as important as how you take it & how you respond to it. Our attitude does define our altitude’.

I’d hit rock bottom when I screamed at myself “ENOUGH IS ENOUGH! This is not what I want to be feeling & this is not who I want to be. This is just not me. This behavior is not right & is not fair to me or anybody else, and I better take stock right now.” I decided that first & foremost I need to start applying the 5 core secrets I learned in Yes+ almost a year ago & which I promptly did not practice. Over the months though, I’ve come to appreciate the truth, the universal ness, effectiveness & the profundity of these principles. And it was about time I put them in practice.

Apart from that I chose to remember these principles always, esp. when I start to fall into old habits & thought patterns:

1) Keep smiling, always. Nobody & nothing is important enough to snatch the smile of my face. Whatever happens, keep smiling, no matter what. Be happy.
2) I’ll be free to the extent I give freedom to others. Freedom to: say, do, be what they want.
3) Every moment presents itself with choices. Every moment consists of joy and/or tension, it depends on me what I choose. There’s no one to blame.
4) Rajesh Bhaiya told me once ‘Demand destroys Love’. I choose to set her free. She is free to do what she wants, let her be with whoever she wants, if it’s meant to be she’ll come back; if not, then some one better will come along, for me & for her too ‘cuz;
5) Everything happens for a reason & everything happens for the best, even though if it seems otherwise in that moment.
6) Be centered. Observe myself. Remember that feelings are fleeting. One’s which are not – surrender them. In any case I am not my feelings. Be unshakable.
7) Don’t get stuck in unpleasant or even pleasant sensations & experiences. Then those moments which you reminisce about, bring more misery. I surrender them before sleep everyday. I am fresh & new everyday. Pleasant or not past is past, live in the present moment, ‘cuz;
8) This is the only time I have - to be & do anything. Again it’s my choice how to make it count. And we get entangled in past or future only because we think that present moment is not enough, because we are not happy in the ‘now’, we try to find happiness in other times. Now is full of opportunities & challenges. I’ll be greatful for the present moment, no matter what.
9) I should be my best friend first, coz if I do not have an amicable relationship with myself how can I have a successful relationship with anyone else?
10) Find humor in life. Esp. in the things which are unpleasant. Half of the battle is won if only I can see the challenges in proper perspective & a good laugh does just that. If you look at some of the toughest moments in your life, you’ll laugh at most of them & you’ll laugh at the way you over reacted. Every cloud has a silver lining. Be optimistic.
11) The times when I feel insufficient, when I don’t like myself are the times when I havn’t given my 100%. I am aware now which guna is prominent in me at a particular time. I observe when I am not feeling myself & why.
12) Do whatever it takes! To be free, to be content, to be light, to get solutions, to love; a simple rule - do whatever it takes. Do that which scares me the most, to be liberated from it. Have the valor of the lion.
13) Become aware of my thought patterns & habits. Know when I am reacting on the basis of my habits & patterns & to comprehend things with knowledge & to respond with awareness.
14) "
If you are against someone, you have no freedom from them. If you find fault in someone, and your mind is set against them, know that you are stuck with them, glued with them! Super glue!". Learn to forgive for my own peace of mind.

The reason I am not contacting her is because I declared to her the day we spoke for the last time that, I did not do anything wrong & with no wrong intentions & that “Even though I want to talk to you, I would not try to make any contact with you. You let me know when you are ready to talk” Hence, I haven’t initiated contact, as promised. For my part I said Sorry. She asked for distance, she has got that. She wants to reduce the distance; she’ll have to take the first step unequivocally. I am waiting. Both of us are being stubborn as usual. But, I think it’s for good. Right? She is happy with what she is doing now (I hope), with whoever she is talking to. I am focusing on becoming a better, stronger man, which is great for me.

I love her & nobody else can take her place. However, I am not ready to have a casual relationship with her, right now; the ‘Hi & Bye, How are you, I am fine too’ kind of superficial relationship. So even if we do not talk again, although it will be awful but it will still be better than having a pseudo relationship, where she refuses to open up. I will still love her & I guess this way it’ll be much better as I will not worry about expressing my love or waiting for her to confess her love to me or loosing my sleep over which guy is she talking to. I can wish the best for her, do things & care for her without letting her know. No complications.

We had reached a road where neither we were happy together nor we were growing together, but still we would feel the absence of each other. That’s Tamsik relationship. I believe that it’s neither a pre-requisite nor necessary for 2 people to be always happy together, to have a great relationship. But even if & when they are miserable & there are conflicts, they should be growing, maturing, developing, and changing for good. If neither is happening, there is no sense in being together. It’ll only create more negativity. So, it’s only smarter to take some time out to reflect & understand & then come back, as compared to growing apart permanently. She means a lot to me so I am taking that time. I still miss her but I am not morose. I really want to talk to her but not talking to her is not making me restless now. It’s more a Satvik state of being. There is no feverishness. As Rajesh bhaiya once said ‘The nature of the true seeker is such that if he has something he will enjoy it 100% but if he doesn’t have that, he will not become sad.’ That is bondage & freedom.

These 3 weeks have been great. I have been able to stick to my commitment of applying these rules, observing myself, surrendering when I start to fall back & growing fluidly. I truly hope that I come out a much stronger man & that we start talking as before. Till then:

The woods are lovely, dark and deep,

But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.


Celebration means......

A foggy winter evening.
Four friends.
One barsaat.
Eight Samosas.
Four glasses of chai.


Hundred bucks of gas.
A trusted old bike.
Walkman in the pocket.
And a lush green open road, at dawn.


A hostel room.

1.25 a.m
A season of F.R.I.E.N.D.S


3 old friends.
3 separate cities.
3 coffee mugs.
1 internet messenger.


Rain on a hot tin roof.
Pakoras deep-frying.
Friends dropping in.
A party.


You and mom.
A summer night.
A bottle of coconut oil.
A head massage.
Gossiping about absent family members.



Fight & Giggles.


New Clothes.
All Friends.
Building full of lights.
The night of Diwali.


Overnight Train Journey.
Berth full of friends.
2 pack of cards.

A child's laugh, kadi-chaawal, surprise birthdays, aloo ka parantha with curd & butter, a diving catch, under the clouds on a moon-lit night, beach on a winter morning, smiling faces, picking the tab after dinner in a restaurant with mom & dad, her hand in mine, making someone laugh, crying during a movie, doing the thing that scares you the most & the rush afterwards......

The most precious & memorable moments are the simplest & quietest ones.

This was my adaptation of a sweet mail that's going around.

The Last Kiss.

This weekend I watched: The Last Kiss. Everybody makes choices - What's yours? It’s a drama disguised as romantic comedy with lot of depth & soul. It makes you laugh & compels you to reflect. It’s about realizing that life is all about making choices. We make some good choices & we make some bad choices out of ignorance. It’s about finding what you want from life & being true to yourself in that pursuit. It’s about realizing when you’ve made a wrong choice, accept its consequences & make corrections. It's about those times in your life when you are on crossroads & making a decision is all too painful & difficult. Honoring our responsibilities to those who we love & care is supreme - but at times doing so means contradicting our own feelings & desires. What ever we decide, we must be prepared to live with the consequences, because in the end that's our choice. It’s a story of 4 friends since babyhood & the relationships which they have/go through with people they come across. Backed with some very melodious music & skilled performances.

The main story is of the leading pair, perfect for each other, deeply & happily in love with each other, living together, about to have a baby & about to get married. The guy is living the perfect life, as he had dreamed it would be when he’d turn 29. However, this is when the guy freaks out that there will be no more mystery, no more adventure in his life. What happens next is there story. How he makes one bad choice & how there relationship is changed & how he realizes what he really wants out of life.

Another couple is married with a new born baby & how he feels suffocated with his neurtic & over bearing wife. His wife is too much stressed in trying to take care of there child that they forget they also have a relationship between them which is slowly turning sour. How he confronts this with her wife, the turmoil they go though & how they both decide what will work for both of them

Another guy is still in love with his child hood sweetheart, who has split with him. But since they share the same friends circle, he keeps bumping into him. And that’s a problem because although the girl has moved on to seeing other people, he is still in love with his first love. How he tries to handle his feelings & the hilarity that follows is his story.

Last guy is the guy who just wants to have fun with women with no attachments or comittments. What happens with him & how honest he is with what he thinks is right is his story.

Then there are the parents of the leading lady who have been married for 30 years, how they come to terms with their relationship, how they deal with their truth & quietly strengthen the relationship is their story.

The movie is beautifully interwoven with the deep friendships these 4 men share & their relationships. You know the kind of friendship where in your friend knows every little detail about you, all your dark secrets, the one with whom you can be as crass or as disgusting or as absurd as possible & he would still laugh with you or advice you, without judging you, he/she knows everything that you’ve been through, your likes & dislikes, the one who is your anchor, your refuge, the one you rely on when nothing makes sense, the ones you can go to even at midnight.

"It doesn't matter that you 'Love' her. What you feel is only for you. The only thing that matters is what you do to the people you say you love."

Recommended watching!

The color of obsession is blurred!

Obsession - The very sound of this word conjures up images like Shahrukh Khan in Anjaan & Darr, Robert De Niro in Cape Fear, Nana Patekar in almost all his movies etc. However, obsession isn’t always a drive on the wild side & it’s not restricted to the ‘bad guys’.

How best to make a person understand it? I guess by letting you screw a screw in. Just try that. At a certain point you can let go right? You no longer feel the urge to keep turning it in. You know and maybe feel it is okay to stop. This is very much a feel- thing.

What It Is Like To Have Obsessions.
EXAMPLE. Here is an example which is probably not scientific, but here goes anyway. Tell yourself to not think about a pink elephant.I mean really tell yourself that thinking about a pink elephant is not okay, so you can't think about it. Not only that, visualize that Pink elephant you aren't allowed to think about.No Pink elephant, no Pink elephant, no Pink elephant..... Okay, now go look inside your mind, you will probably find that "Pink elephant" is found all over the place. Probably, if you keep doing this for long enough, a pink color in your surrounding might be enough to think about a... Pink elephant.Bad bad bad, I said don't think about a Pink elephant. This is called Thought Avoidance Paradox. What you resist - persists.

And now imagine that this thought you are not allowed to have or rather that you don't want to have is beyond your control and is really stressful in content. That what you are thinking of is not a pink elephant, but instead you taking that knife you see before you and stabbing your mother or guru or brother/sister or you thinking about your girl friend/boy friend, whom you adore more than anything in the world, in the arms of another man/woman or you believing that you’ll drop that chubby little nephew of yours down the stairs, every time you think of holding him.

Would you think it's just a thought, or would you try and find out the why's of you having these thoughts and try to alleviate the anxiety they provoke? What if, you convince yourself for the first couple of times that these are just thoughts; however they would keep tormenting you continuously, without any explanation or warning?

Obsessions are thoughts, images, or impulses that occur over and over again. You don’t want them, you may find them disturbing, and you may realize they don’t make sense: but they continue to dominate your life. Obsessions may be accompanied by feelings of fear, disgust, or doubt. These are recurrent, persistent and unwanted/intrusive thoughts, images, impulses that cause the person much anxiety/distress. If you have OCD (Obsession-Compulsive Disorder) you may try, subconsciously, to "divert" your mind from your obsessions by performing "rituals" or compulsions. Compulsions are acts you perform over and over again, often according to certain "rules." The person feels overwhelmed by the feelings which seem to intrude in every aspect of his/her thinking & are very disturbing thus triggering much anxiety & discomfort. They will try to suppress or neutralize the thoughts/images/impulses by other specific thoughts or actions. Obsessive-compulsive disorder, also known as OCD, is characterized by a combination of obsessive thinking and compulsive behavior, and is often accompanied by feelings of anxiety, depression or both.

Sri Sri Ravi Shankar says that feelings always change. Don’t give them too much importance. I don’t know yet what his thoughts are on such disturbing feelings that occur again & again & again which forces compulsive actions to ease the ache & stress it causes. Sudarshan kriya doesn’t works when such a feeling is triggered inside the mind time & again. Observing & surrendering it doesn’t help either.

The Obsessions and what they stand for are often in harsh contrast with the person's own convictions and beliefs which makes their impact only greater. A mother absolutely in love with her baby, getting images of stabbing her baby, out of nowhere. A devoted husband ecstatic with his married life & completely in love with his wife receiving continuous images of cheating on his wife or his wife cheating on him, for no reason. It’s terrifying & baffling!

We can all be concerned about how we look, but some people take it bit more seriously than others. Gambling, Movies, obsessed with people, obsessed with a famous person, sex, shopping, obsessed with appearance are but some of the obsessions people have. Seen As good as you gets? Jack nicholson is obsessed with the thought of getting infected with germs and thus, have to wash his hands frequently, with multiple soaps, discarding each soap after 1 use, not touching restaurant cutlery & carrying his own with him, avoiding accidentally touching someone while walking etc.

Compulsions: are physical or mental repetitive behaviors that are used to prevent & relieve some of the anxiety caused by obsessions or to prevent a dreaded event or situation. The control found in doing actions in a very precise manner is very contrasting to the chaos the obsessions are creating in the mind. Although while using this system, the person is aware that it is realistically not connected to the obsessions he is trying to neutralize or avoid in any way, but still it provides him with much needed respite from such feelings. But soon the anxiety returns and then starts the “Cycle of OCD”.

The combination of feelings of having anxiety triggered, not being in control of this and finding relief through actions that give you a sense of being in control makes OCD cycle a self supporting system. The whole time you get positive re- enforcement that this seemingly senseless behavior is actually helping. Although this is not completely true since it has no long- lasting benefits. But still, when anxious, these rituals seem to be a small price to pay, until you get stuck in that vicious circle and find that instead of adding some wanted stability to your life, these rituals are robbing you of your freedom. The person gets a just right feeling after doing these actions.

It is said that most of us have distressing thoughts of violent or sexual nature, which just pop in to our heads. Most of the times they don’t make much of an impact; they don't tend to stick in the person's mind, but more importantly, the person can dispel them as being just a thought. After some time you won’t even remember that you thought like that or you can discard them as ‘Just a thought’. It would be like that dream, which made you restless but which you can’t remember, & thus you begin to believe that you never saw a dream in the 1st place, it was just a feeling.

So why does the normal thinking process effect people with OCD differently? Well, the thoughts don’t let go of them, no matter how hard they try to get rid of it or ignore it. They have a constant feeling of:
“What if I do this?’
“What if these thoughts are for real?”
"What if these thoughts say something about who I am as a person or who my loved one is?”

Part of them knows that this is just a thought, but the OCD part continues, with its relentless doubting. SO they try to find the how’s & why’s for such thoughts & hiding the all the knives in the house, washing there hands continuously, checking if doors/windows/locks are properly shut excessive no. of times etc.

Loss of control
Everyone has occasionally been tempted to do something out of the ordinary, or inappropriate, or even something that breaks the law. However, most of us are able to resist these impulses.
But people who suffer from OC spectrum disorders find it impossible to resist urges to behave in a way that they know is ultimately harmful, either to themselves or to others.
There is mounting evidence that OC Spectrum disorders, like OCD, are partly caused by a deficiency in the neurotransmitter (brain chemical) serotonin. However, some researchers think an excess of another neurotransmitter called dopamine could be a contributing factor. Still other researchers think that they are caused by crucial past experiences & the imprints left by it on a person's psyche & how the person dealt or not dealt with it. They recommend cognitive & behavioral therapies to understand & cure it.

A bad obsession is the constant focus of energy on something to the point that the obsession causes harmful consequences in your life. A good obsession would be focusing on solving a problem or focusing on something good. They are both bad when they are to an extreme but can be fun experiences when they are done in moderation.
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