My Journey From Head to Heart
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Of Appearances & Choices.

Why do we sometimes pretend to be somebody we are not? Why do, when we actually want to do one thing, but end up doing something else? Why can’t we say what we actually want to say instead of keeping quiet or saying something that doesn’t really matters? Why are we indifferent with some of our friends while cheerful with others?

I am referring to the situation that’s going between the two of us. We are not talking but we want to. I see her everyday but I don’t as much even look in her direction, forget about looking in her eyes. I want to sit next to her, to talk to her; but I don’t. By the time she left yesterday it was late & although what I really wanted was, to drop her back home, however I didn’t. We met her at her home today, but I did not as much said a Hi or Bye to her. She looks at me & although I want to smile back, I don’t. I pretend that I don’t even notice her, that I do not have any feelings for her, anymore; but I do.

I’m consciously aware that this is because of the set of choices I’ve made in the past 3 weeks, after we actually stopped talking. I had actually reached the tipping point of being unhappy & miserable & doing & saying hurtful things, out of ignorance, unintentionally. I did not like what I was becoming. Although I accepted to myself, the fact that I was hurting so much, however what I hated the most was the way I was passing on that hurt to her. I hated the fact that I had become so weak, that I’ve stopped smiling, that I’ve become so silent from outside but there is so much noise inside my cranium, that I’ve become so bitter & resentful, however more than anything I despised the person that I was becoming.

I had reached a saturation point where I had to do have a radical turn around. It took me a long time to really understand that our life is what we choose to make of it, our life is result of our choices & what we are and how we feel is actually the way we have chosen to be & feel. I cannot blame anybody for the way I am feeling or for my circumstances. In any situation what happens to you is not as important as how you take it & how you respond to it. Our attitude does define our altitude’.

I’d hit rock bottom when I screamed at myself “ENOUGH IS ENOUGH! This is not what I want to be feeling & this is not who I want to be. This is just not me. This behavior is not right & is not fair to me or anybody else, and I better take stock right now.” I decided that first & foremost I need to start applying the 5 core secrets I learned in Yes+ almost a year ago & which I promptly did not practice. Over the months though, I’ve come to appreciate the truth, the universal ness, effectiveness & the profundity of these principles. And it was about time I put them in practice.

Apart from that I chose to remember these principles always, esp. when I start to fall into old habits & thought patterns:

1) Keep smiling, always. Nobody & nothing is important enough to snatch the smile of my face. Whatever happens, keep smiling, no matter what. Be happy.
2) I’ll be free to the extent I give freedom to others. Freedom to: say, do, be what they want.
3) Every moment presents itself with choices. Every moment consists of joy and/or tension, it depends on me what I choose. There’s no one to blame.
4) Rajesh Bhaiya told me once ‘Demand destroys Love’. I choose to set her free. She is free to do what she wants, let her be with whoever she wants, if it’s meant to be she’ll come back; if not, then some one better will come along, for me & for her too ‘cuz;
5) Everything happens for a reason & everything happens for the best, even though if it seems otherwise in that moment.
6) Be centered. Observe myself. Remember that feelings are fleeting. One’s which are not – surrender them. In any case I am not my feelings. Be unshakable.
7) Don’t get stuck in unpleasant or even pleasant sensations & experiences. Then those moments which you reminisce about, bring more misery. I surrender them before sleep everyday. I am fresh & new everyday. Pleasant or not past is past, live in the present moment, ‘cuz;
8) This is the only time I have - to be & do anything. Again it’s my choice how to make it count. And we get entangled in past or future only because we think that present moment is not enough, because we are not happy in the ‘now’, we try to find happiness in other times. Now is full of opportunities & challenges. I’ll be greatful for the present moment, no matter what.
9) I should be my best friend first, coz if I do not have an amicable relationship with myself how can I have a successful relationship with anyone else?
10) Find humor in life. Esp. in the things which are unpleasant. Half of the battle is won if only I can see the challenges in proper perspective & a good laugh does just that. If you look at some of the toughest moments in your life, you’ll laugh at most of them & you’ll laugh at the way you over reacted. Every cloud has a silver lining. Be optimistic.
11) The times when I feel insufficient, when I don’t like myself are the times when I havn’t given my 100%. I am aware now which guna is prominent in me at a particular time. I observe when I am not feeling myself & why.
12) Do whatever it takes! To be free, to be content, to be light, to get solutions, to love; a simple rule - do whatever it takes. Do that which scares me the most, to be liberated from it. Have the valor of the lion.
13) Become aware of my thought patterns & habits. Know when I am reacting on the basis of my habits & patterns & to comprehend things with knowledge & to respond with awareness.
14) "
If you are against someone, you have no freedom from them. If you find fault in someone, and your mind is set against them, know that you are stuck with them, glued with them! Super glue!". Learn to forgive for my own peace of mind.

The reason I am not contacting her is because I declared to her the day we spoke for the last time that, I did not do anything wrong & with no wrong intentions & that “Even though I want to talk to you, I would not try to make any contact with you. You let me know when you are ready to talk” Hence, I haven’t initiated contact, as promised. For my part I said Sorry. She asked for distance, she has got that. She wants to reduce the distance; she’ll have to take the first step unequivocally. I am waiting. Both of us are being stubborn as usual. But, I think it’s for good. Right? She is happy with what she is doing now (I hope), with whoever she is talking to. I am focusing on becoming a better, stronger man, which is great for me.

I love her & nobody else can take her place. However, I am not ready to have a casual relationship with her, right now; the ‘Hi & Bye, How are you, I am fine too’ kind of superficial relationship. So even if we do not talk again, although it will be awful but it will still be better than having a pseudo relationship, where she refuses to open up. I will still love her & I guess this way it’ll be much better as I will not worry about expressing my love or waiting for her to confess her love to me or loosing my sleep over which guy is she talking to. I can wish the best for her, do things & care for her without letting her know. No complications.

We had reached a road where neither we were happy together nor we were growing together, but still we would feel the absence of each other. That’s Tamsik relationship. I believe that it’s neither a pre-requisite nor necessary for 2 people to be always happy together, to have a great relationship. But even if & when they are miserable & there are conflicts, they should be growing, maturing, developing, and changing for good. If neither is happening, there is no sense in being together. It’ll only create more negativity. So, it’s only smarter to take some time out to reflect & understand & then come back, as compared to growing apart permanently. She means a lot to me so I am taking that time. I still miss her but I am not morose. I really want to talk to her but not talking to her is not making me restless now. It’s more a Satvik state of being. There is no feverishness. As Rajesh bhaiya once said ‘The nature of the true seeker is such that if he has something he will enjoy it 100% but if he doesn’t have that, he will not become sad.’ That is bondage & freedom.

These 3 weeks have been great. I have been able to stick to my commitment of applying these rules, observing myself, surrendering when I start to fall back & growing fluidly. I truly hope that I come out a much stronger man & that we start talking as before. Till then:

The woods are lovely, dark and deep,

But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.

2 Hitch Hikers:

Anir said...

dude... chill out and have fun! like you said, things are for the best..and you're not the only one with love troubles

In Search Of Love said...

Thanks Mate! This time is for me to connect with myself so that I can connect with her & it's fun doing that buddy!

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