My 1st attempt at writing poetry for her. Posted by In Search Of Myself , Tuesday, February 20, 2007 at 6:52 PM, in

I am sorry, for the things I said
Coz even though I want to, I can't take them back,
I am sorry, coz I hurt you
But I was hurt too,
I am sorry, coz I made you feel bad
I guess I had gone mad,
I am sorry, that I was mean
But every time you seem to go far away, I just want to scream,
I am sorry, that I am not good enough
But I'll be there when the journey is rough,
I am sorry; I don't know what else I shall do
But I do know, with all my heart - I Love You.
Please Forgive Me, for making U sad
I don't know, what went into my head,
Please forgive me, as now nights are lonely & chilly
I am sorry, for being so silly ,
I Miss You & I pray
That U choose not to go away,
Remember all the good times we had,
& all the things, into the night, over countless messages we shared,
I am hoping you stay
And in the cradle of Love, Fun, Joy, Bliss, Care, Understanding, Patience, and Belongingness...our Friendship will always sway.
So, what shalt thou say?
Do U want to pack up or do U wanna play?
We are 2 sweet n stupid people, who go coockoo sometimes & we should always be together,
Coz not doing so, will be a crime against nature!
I can't seem to think of more words, which seem to ryhme,
Coz U have infected me with Ur infectious enzymes!
I do need someone to look after me and some one to care,
if U cant do it, even though I do it for U, then do it for my pretty, silky hair(?) (Koi aur line ja rahi nahi thi)
Please bear me sometimes, for the ways in which I act
and if still U r not coming back, I am going to cum n kick ur butt!

`Love
Ash.

P.S: She liked it!

Favorite dialogues from famous romantic flicks. Posted by In Search Of Myself , at 3:05 AM, in

“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain.”

"Do you ever put your arms out and just spin and spin and spin? Well, that's what love is like. Everything inside of you tells you to stop before you fall, but you just keep going."
- Practical Magic

"When you love someone,And you love them with your heart,It never disappearsWhen you're apart.And when you love someoneAnd you've done all you can do,You set them free,And if that love was true....When you love someoneIt will all come back to you."--Forget Paris

Horace Telemacher (Steve Martin):How come we don't always know when love begins,but we always know when it ends?--LA Story

"The only feeling of real loss is when you love someone More than you love your self."-- Good Will Hunting

"Don't you hate that? Uncomfortable silence. Why do we feel it's necessary to talk about bull in order to feel comfortable? That's when you know you've found somebody really special. When you can just shut the hell up for a minute and comfortably share a silence."

"I love you. And not, not in a friendly way, although I think we're great friends. And not in a misplaced affection, puppy-dog way, although I love you. Very, very simple, very truly. You are the epitome of everything I have ever looked for in another human being. And I know that you think of me as just a friend, and crossing that line is the furthest thing from an option you would ever consider. But I had to say it. I just, I can't take this anymore. I can't stand next to you without wanting to hold you. I can't, I can't look into your eyes without feeling that, that longing you only read about in trashy romance novels. I can't talk to you without wanting to express my love for everything you are."
-Chasing Amy

Samantha: I have to ask you a question. It's a good one so think about it. If two people love each other, but they just can't seem to get it together, when do you get to that point of enough is enough? Jerry: Never.
-The Mexican

"To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering, one must not love; but then one suffers from not loving. Therefore, to love is to suffer, not to love is to suffer, to suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love; to be happy then is to suffer, but suffering makes one unhappy; therefore to be unhappy one must love or love to suffer or suffer from too much happiness. I hope you're getting this down."-Love and Death

"I love that you get cold when it is 71 degrees out. I love that it takes you an hour and a half to order a sandwich. I love that you get a little crinkle in your nose when you're looking at me like I'm nuts. I love that after I spend day with you, I can still smell your perfume on my clothes. And I love that you are the last person I want to talk to before I go to sleep at night. And it's not because I'm lonely, and it's not because it's New Year's Eve. I came here tonight because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible." - When Harry Met Sally

"You can't express every feeling that you have every moment that you have them." - When Harry Met Sally.

"It is a strong woman who can keep her wits about her when you are trying to steal her heart. She is my match in every way. Please tell me I haven't lost her.---Prince Henry, "Ever After

"Young lovers seek perfection. Old lovers learn the art of sewing shreds together and seeing beauty in the multitude of patches.---"How to Make an American Quilt"

"We need a witness to our lives. There's a billion people on the planet... I mean, what does any one life really mean? But in a marriage, you're promising to care about everything. The good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things... all of it, all of the time, every day. You're saying 'Your life will not go unnoticed because I will notice it. Your life will not go un-witnessed because I will be your witness'." - Shall we Dance.

"Charles: Ehm, look. Sorry, sorry. I just, ehm, well, this is a very stupid question and... , particularly in view of our recent shopping excursion, but I just wondered, by any chance, ehm, eh, I mean obviously not because I guess I've only slept with 9 people, but-but I-I just wondered... ehh. I really feel, ehh, in short, to recap it slightly in a clearer version, eh, the words of David Cassidy in fact, eh, while he was still with the Partridge family, eh, "I think I love you," and eh, I-I just wondered by any chance you wouldn't like to... Eh... Eh... No, no, no of course not... I'm an idiot, he's not... Excellent, excellent, fantastic, eh, I was gonna say lovely to see you, sorry to disturb... Better get on...
Carrie: That was very romantic.
Charles: Well, I thought it over a lot, you know, I wanted to get it just right." - Four Weddings & a Funeral.

"Only in the mysterious equations of love can any real logic be found."
A Beautiful Mind

"Whenever I despair, I remember that the way of truth and love has always won. There may be tyrants, murderers and for a time, they may seem invincible, but in the end they always fail. -" Gandhi

"There are only four questions of value in life.
What is sacred?
Of what is the spirit made of?
What is worth living for?
What is worth dying for?
The answer to each is the same. Only love."
~Don Juan Demarco

"Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are.Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two."~Captain Corelli's Mandolin

"I understand with love comes pain, but why did I have to love so much?” Posted by In Search Of Myself , at 2:12 AM, in

Ok I am aware that my blog is drooping under the mass of the posts. Well, I can’t help it lately I’ve made some tough choices and life’s been heavy on me. However, as soon as Stella (in this case me) gets her (his – since it’s me) groove back, the attitude of this blog will transform into something much lighter, brighter & happier & other nice things ending with ‘er.

However for now, let me persist in my search. These are some of the reasons I could find because of which we fought like cats & dogs. (That reminds me she has very strong blood-soaked nails & when she pinches, it feels like a thousand small but very real ants who have mistaken me for a sugar flavored delicacy, munching away. Also, that proves that I am sweet!)

Anyways, I proceed with the causes.

Insecurity: 1) Because of my inferiority complex. I don’t feel I am good enough than other guys. I felt everybody else is better than me when it comes to her & they are better capable of keeping her happy always (think SRK in KANK). I know that I care for her immensely and none of the guys could match upto that, still I felt that any moment she will cut off everything with me because of some other guy who is every thing that I am not. I felt that I don’t look good and she has a strong liking to chat intensely, with extra helpings of affection & she keeps checking out guys; who are good looking enough to get the role of hero’s best buddy or heroines best friend or brother easily in a bollywood masala movie, whereas I wouldn’t even be considered as an extra for a Bhojpuri movie with the names like ‘balam pardesiya’ & ‘Didi tora devar deewana’. So, whenever she would be acutely engaged in tête-à-tête with such minions-of-Satan disguised as elves, my ego would take a severe beating, like Venkatpathy Raju coming to bat with Rahul Dravid.

Trust: 1) I did not trust her completely because what she says & what she does is sometimes completely different. For e.g. She says that she is not interested in guys however she keeps checking everybody out, she says she doesn’t want to be in a relationship then why does she flirts with every good looking guy who starts talking to her; she suggests that she is very smart in checking guys out & they wouldn’t know that they are being checked out, but the guys observe too and they are not as dumb as widely believed & when she talks to such a guy her body language reveals everything; she says that she checks out guys just for fun & doesn’t mean anything serious then how come she has got over 50 proposals & she is still doing the same things around guys again & again which, encourage them to approach her. Or for that matter she says she used to check me out when she first saw me however I have my own doubts on that or that she says I look handsome (ahem!), I think the glasses she wears sometimes ought to be replaced with those of Amitabh Bachchan’s, which he is so fondly hated in Chupke-Chupke. 2) She has lied to me a couple of times & broken her promises. Like that time when she said she’ll never stop talking to me & now she’s promptly forgotten she ever said that. 4) I do not trust majority of the guys who come slobbering after her. They appear to me, a re-incarnation of Shakti Kapoor (decently dressed & well mannered one though) & Ranjeet & come to think that they are still alive, freaks me out.

"Doubt is a pain too lonely to know that faith is his twin brother."

"Jealousy lives upon doubts, it becomes madness or ceases entirely as soon as we pass from doubt to certainty."

“Doubt is not the opposite of faith; it is one element of faith”

The green eyed monster: 1) I get jealous when she flirts with other guys because with me she won’t even talk graciously in others company, she’ll wait to reach home to message or call or for the time when we are alone & no one is around us, to say 1 sentence to me. 2) I get jealous when another guy gets close to her physically (think of me as Preity Zinta in Armaan). 3) I get jealous when other guys flirt with her openly & very obviously and she responds to them. 4) I want to do everything to help her out & I get jealous when somebody else does the things which I want to do –like helping her out at her home with her assignments or picking her up & traveling together & dropping her back, offering suggestions & ideas, sitting together during satsangs or courses or talking to her late into the night. Now, thinking of some chump edging past me ominously to park himself nicely beside her or to lay a hand on her with cheesiest of excuses or to drop her back home, makes me dangerously prone to succumb to limfusircuma-of-the-intestine (Rajesh Khanna in Anand)

Jealousy is that pain which a man feels from the apprehension that he is not equally beloved by the person whom he entirely loves.”

"Love may exist without jealousy, although this is rare; but jealousy may exist without love, and this is common.”

"Jealousy is nothing more than a fear of abandonment”

"Jealousy is a distorted from of Love." - Sri Sri Ravi Shankar.

Conflicts: I think about her a lot & miss her when I am not with her or not talking to her, I wonder where she is & what she is doing. This makes me look like unemployed-30-something-hairy-chested-lurking-in-the-dark-misguided-youth with way too much free time on his hands; but I assure you I am neither of that – my parole officer will vouch for that. I miss her a lot; not as much as I miss having muscles or having toothy-smile-with-dimples. When she is lost in her thoughts (which she loves, infact after Masala Curry her favorite thing to devour is Worry) or when we fight I can’t seem to divert her mind or make her smile anymore – which earlier I could do easily & I absolutely love to do (not that she has a heart warming smile or anything like that but it’s re-assuring to know that there still are people who find my jokes amusing). I swear, this one time she screamed with such force, when we were on our way back to home, that apart from de-boarding a dozen of guys hanging onto the local bus passing by, due to the shock wave; the alarmed auto-driver also forgot all sense of directions and his natural auto-wallah instincts & thus he not only returned all the money she gave to him; to me (well my pride demands, that when a girl yells at me I rather have her pay the bill, that way I can at least hold on to my money, after loosing the air of high self opinion & the capability to hear too), he also requested for directions to his home.

“Whenever you're in conflict with someone, there is one factor that can make the difference between damaging your relationship and deepening it. That factor is attitude.”

I don’t fight with her (chiefly because only she does) to tell her what to do or what not to do, it’s not that I don’t want her to talk to other guys but because I am so scared that I’ll loose her to them. I have no right to take away her freedom & I have no intentions of doing that either; however; all I want is to feel more secure when I am with her. I was looking for assurance from her that she’ll be with me & my fears are baseless. I have not been able to express my feelings to her & so in my frustration of not been able to say what I feel and her consequent misunderstanding of my feelings I fought with her. I put her down a lot, which I learned recently, that’s how I’ve learnt to deal with conflicts from my childhood experiences. As per Transactional analysis of parent-adult-child relationship, I react as a condescending parent during conflicts, because that’s how my parents would react to me when they would have a discussion with me.

I wanted to tell her that no matter what she does, I will still love her always, and I am happy when she is happy. So if what she is doing, truly gives her joy, than regardless of how I feel - I am happy for her. I wanted to say that I am sorry that I act this way, it kills me to talk to her this way, it absolutely makes me insane to feel this way around her, but I did not know then why I acted this way & how I can change for good. I could not deal maturely with my feelings & I held her responsible for what I was feeling & I hurt her then because I could not bear the hurt in me anymore. I did not fight fair & I did not handle conflicts properly which lead to more misunderstandings & arguments. When I get upset, I would expect her to call & ask me what the hell happened now but it’ll take min. of 2 days for her to contact me and then too that event will promptly be forgotten by her (yeah she has selective amnesia!). Repeatedly this happened and instead of calling right away she’ll still wait & then not discuss the reason what made me to behave in that manner.

“Conflict builds character. Crisis defines it.”

She says she accepts me as I am & no matter what I’ll always be her friend & she understands me, but she doesn’t. She says that she has never compared me with Vas, but she always does that. She forgets that they were friends for 4 years & thus more closeness & they did not share such feelings which I had for her from the beginning & thus no fights. It took only 6 months for them to part ways when he expressed his feelings for her. If they were together & met each other in the same circle, they would have fought too, although they would have resolved issues which I couldn’t.

“I'm not supposed to love you, I'm not supposed to care, I'm not supposed to live my life wishing you were there. I'm not supposed to wonder where you are or what you do...I'm sorry I can't help myself, I'm in love with you.”

Permanent Solution to a Temporary Problem. Posted by In Search Of Myself , Saturday, February 17, 2007 at 1:26 AM, in

Suicide is the act of willfully ending one's own life. According to official statistics, about a million people commit suicide annually, more than those murdered or killed in war. As of 2001 in the USA, suicides outnumber homicides by 3 to 2. Men die much more often than females by suicide, while females attempt suicide more often. Men-Women suicide ratio is 3:1. Males are more likely to end their life by violent methods (guns, knives, hanging, drowning etc.) while women primarily overdose on medications or use other ineffective methods. Our country’s IT hub South India is the world’s suicide capital. Kerala, the country's first fully literate state, has the highest number of suicides. Some 32 people commit suicide in Kerala every day. Out of every three cases of suicide reported every 15 minutes in India, one is committed by a youth in the age group of 15 to 29. Total number of suicide cases recorded in the whole of India in 2002 was 154,000.

Till a couple of years back I was strongly against people who talk about suicide or who actually commit suicide. I saw them as extremely weak & cowards, who do not have the courage to fight back & live life. Ending a life is easier than to live through the pain & challenges & learn to grow out of it.

"The most authentic thing about us is our capacity to create, to overcome, to endure, to transform, to love and to be greater than our suffering.”

One quiet icy winter morning, one of my best friend, picked up a pen & a piece of paper, with trembling hands & teary eyes he wrote a suicide note to his parents, etching the reason he cannot bear to live, went in his parents’ room, took his father’s revolver out of the locker, loaded it with 1 bullet, stuck it in his mouth, closed his eyes shut & pressed the trigger.

This was over 6 years back. I still cannot believe that my friend who was athletic, good-looking, confident, always stood up for what he believed in, amused the teachers & the class alike with his precisely timed comments everyday, ranked consistently in top 5 of the class, could take such a drastic step. I still believe, without a shadow of doubt that if he had reached out to me or another friend, he would have been alive & very successful today.

Depression is the foremost cause of suicides. Reason behind it can be anything ranging from disappointment in love-business-academics etc. & the resulting pain & stress, to feelings of emptiness & hopelessness in life etc, to illness due to chemical imbalance in brain like bi-polar disorder, schizophrenia etc.

People commit suicide when pain exceeds resources for coping with pain. People having such thoughts are NOT weak, flawed or crazy. It doesn’t even mean that they really want to die - it only means that they have more pain than they can cope with right now. If I start piling weights on your shoulders, you will eventually collapse if I add enough weights... no matter how much you want to remain standing. Willpower has nothing to do with it. Of course you would cheer yourself up, if you could. There are many kind of pain that may lead to suicide. What may be bearable to me might be unbearable to you. Individuals vary in their capacity to withstand pain.

People resort to suicide to get relief from pain, paradox is they forget that ‘relief’ is a feeling and they have to be alive to ‘feel’ it. When pain exceeds pain-coping resources, suicidal feelings are the result. Suicide is neither wrong nor right; it is not a defect of character; it is morally neutral. It is simply an imbalance of pain versus coping resources. You can survive suicidal feelings if you do either of two things: (1) find a way to reduce your pain, or (2) find ways to increase your coping resources. Both are possible.

Despite the facts & recent knowledge & research about suicide, there is so much social stigma associated with people suffering from depression & suicidal thoughts. Think about it. What’s the 1st thing we think about someone who says he/she wants to commit suicide? We invariably think 1) They are in pain or 2) They are weak and stupid or manipulating. Some of us will actually increase the pain by reacting badly to it, by saying or doing thoughtless things either because they are frightened or angry or they simply don’t know how to react. It’s because of this shame & cultural stigmas that are attached to such feelings that people are scared to even reach out to others to seek help. Ironically suicidal thoughts are just that a cry for help!

"Suicide was against the law. Johnny had wondered why. It meant that if you missed, or the gas ran out, or the rope broke, you could get locked up in prison to show you that life was really very jolly and thoroughly worth living.”

Suicide is like damaging the body to put an end to mental pain. It’s like applying a band-aid on a toe & hoping the head-ache will be cured. Spiritually a person who commits suicide will be re-born with same feelings & will be re-born with worse circumstances. Anyways, if a person is confiding in you that he is having suicidal thoughts, he is desperately seeking help & giving you a chance to do whatever you can to lessen the pain, help him/her re-gain faith & see things in perspective.

After lot of heart burn I’ve fortunately reached out to my friends and the best resource I have to cope with my pain is Art of Living & guruji’s knowledge to go deep into myself and hopefully understand, touch & heal the pain. Plus, helping her discreetly, talking to her & fighting sometimes also helps. It’s another matter that pain & such thoughts grow exponentially when I think she is with some other guy or when we don’t talk for couple of days.

I’ve decided to stay & keep loving her - come what may & that gives me strength & hope to go on.

Hats off Mr. Stocksdale!! Posted by In Search Of Myself , Friday, February 16, 2007 at 12:56 AM, in

Recently my manager discussed a marvelous book called ‘From good to great’ by Jim Collins. The book tackles the question ‘Can a good co. become a great co. and how?’ The author researched the performance of 11 revolutionary companies over the period of 40 years & discovered that a great company is made by A) Disciplined people; ‘who’ before ‘what’, having the right people at the right places; B) thinking Disciplined thoughts - start by confronting brutal facts - the Stockdale Paradox & developing it’s hedgehog concept i.e operating model by answering 1) What are we good at?, 2) What are we not good at & 3) What are our core people deeply passionate about; C) taking Disciplined action - culture of Discipline - people have responsibilities not jobs & Flywheel - no single miracle idea or moment, pushing giant flywheel in 1 direction to gain momentum till point of break through; D) Build greatness to last which can span multiple leaders & not around 1 charismatic leader - Preserve the core & stimulate progress “what we stand for” (which should never change) and “how we do things” (which should never stop changing).

The book coins ‘The Stockdale Paradox’ which is named after Admiral Jim Stockdale who was the highest ranking US military officer imprisoned in Vietnam. He was held in the infamous “Hanoi Hilton” and repeatedly tortured over 8 years with unimaginable brutality. Collins describes going to lunch with Stockdale and trying to understand how he survived 8 years as a POW while so many died after just months in captivity. Here’s how Stockdale put it.

*****

“I never lost faith in the end of the story,” he said. “I never doubted not only that I would get out, but also that I would prevail in the end and turn the experience into the defining event of my life, which, in retrospect, I would not trade.”

I didn’t say anything for many minutes, and we continued the slow walk toward the faculty club, Stockdale limping and arc-swinging his stiff leg that had never fully recovered from repeated torture. Finally, after about a hundred meters of silence, I asked,
“Who didn’t make it out?”

“Oh, that’s easy,” he said. “The optimists.”
“The optimists? I don’t understand,” I said, now completely confused, given what he’d said a hundred meters earlier.

“The optimists. Oh, they were the ones who said, ‘We’re going to be out by Christmas.’ And Christmas would come, and Christmas would go. Then they’d say,’ We’re going to be out by Easter.’ And Easter would come, and Easter would go. And then Thanksgiving, and then it would be Christmas again. And they died of a broken heart.”

Another long pause, and more walking. Then he turned to me and said, “This is a very important lesson. You must never confuse faith that you will prevail in the end—which you can never afford to lose—with the discipline to confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.”
*****

Throughout Stockdale's captivity for approx. a decade, his wife Sybil campaigned for respectful treatment for the families of all POWs by founding the League of Families, apperaed on television shows, even met Korean officials all in the effort to bring her husband home. All along believing & hoping with all her existence that, one day, she’ll see him again. I wonder how she would've felt at nights or at times when she'd be alone, when her husband's memory will haunt her, she wont even be sure if he is alive & if he is, how would he be, knowing full well about the attrocities he would be facing?

Now, this is Courage, an Indomitable Spirit & True Love !

A Choice & a lifeTime. Posted by In Search Of Myself , Thursday, February 15, 2007 at 11:19 PM, in

If someone you adore infinitly doesn’t reciprocate yor felings – what do you do? If your best friend doesn’t speak to you anymore because of some misunderstandings & few bitter quarrels, would you give up the friendship? A couple of fights & would you forget the good times you had & overlook how much you care for each other? Or would you choose to stay, to stick with your friend? Would you be in that relationship even though, for now, there is no reciprocation of feelings & sometimes more misunderstandings, pain & loneliness than support, joy & companionship?

This year, I have hit crossroads in my life as far as love is concerned. I have to choose should I bail out too; give up on 1 person I love to death? Or should I find myself, mature (finally!), find the meaning of true love & unconditional love, love her even though she doesn't (probably won't) & still be happy for her?

Well, I’ve been back & forth between the two roads. I know that choosing the 1st road is comparatively easy, serene & cheerful, hell it will be a PARTY!. I will find someone else (lots of fishes in the sea, rite!). I will not feel lonely; I’ll be spared of the gut wrenching pain I feel at times, which makes even inhaling & exhaling a workout in itself. There are more chances that I might find someone who understands me & is expressive. However, when (& I will) hit a road block in the new 'relationship', because I - the Me inside has not changed at all, in fact I'd have a lil more baggage I'd be bringing in with me; I'd be feeling the same feelings, going through the same emotions, dealing with conflicts the same way - none of which have worked in the past & I’ve ended up hurting the person whom I love the most.

"Love is the ultimate and the highest goal to which man can aspire. Then I grasped the meaning of the greatest secret & wisdom that human poetry and human thought and belief have to impart: The salvation of man is through love and in love." - Holocaust survivor Victor Frankl (Man's search for meaning)

I choose the road less traveled. I can find 1000 reasons to quit however I have 1 reason to keep going that beats everything & that is - I Love Her! I suppose it's time to finally grow up. I do not want to feel insecure, be jealous, possessive, and distrustful whether I am with her or not, anymore. I want to be centered, balanced, understanding, on top of my emotions, be able to communicate better, patient, trusting & be much better in expressing myself esp. during conflicts. I want to know myself better & I want to understand her better. If I can relate to myself 100%, only then can I relate to her. I want to be more confident. I want to be more skillful. I am committed to change. I understand that it will not happen overnight & for the change to be deep & lasting I would have to shift my beliefs, perspectives, change my thought patterns & habits. I know that this will be a painful journey for me as it requires me to look into my demons in the eyes and acknowledge them to change them. It would require a lot of courage, determination, will & knowledge.

I mean, I find it morally & ethically incorrect to break up just beacuse we are going through a tough phase. I am sure we all have seen 'soulmates' break-up for silliest of excuses. Nowdays, couples are in 'Deeply in Love/friendship' untill things are smooth, rosy & candy flavored. Once the rose tinted glass comes off & candy turns sour & the ride gets rocky, they run for their lives - in seperate directions. Every relationship goes though phases & if people survive tough phases with knowledge, strength & belongingness then they would have learned so much more about each other & themselves & things would take a turn for better. How can I just give up? Wouldn't it mean that my feelings for her were a farce, completely selfish & based on charm or comfort coz as soon as differences came up, instead of acknowledging & understanding them I bailed out? What kind of Love or friendship is that?

"The only true security that can be found in this world, is in the very process of giving love . The language of heart is love & the journey from head to heart is spirituality." - Sri Sri Ravi Shankar.

The bottom line is I really love her & I care about her a lot. I believe she deserves the best & I know I am not the best, infact that's why most of the time I fight with her. However, I am committed to invest my time & effort to change myself; no, to meet myself. My search has begun. I have embarked upon the most difficult YET most meaningful & if am strong enough to complete it; the most rewarding journey. And this is all because of her; because of my love for her.

Dinesh bhaiya once said very beautifully: "Jalna to hai hi; par Jal kar ya to raakh banange ya Sona!"

So, the next couple of posts will be a quest to understand myself, to accept myself & to comprehend & learn about true & unconditional Love.

Love is in the air. (Ya, I know, 'corny') Posted by In Search Of Myself , Wednesday, February 14, 2007 at 2:00 AM, in

Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love. ~Albert Einstein

Here it is again. Dreamy eyed-draped-in-hues-of-red-&-pink-cozy-couples ubiquitous as far as one can perceive. Gifts galore, love is in the air, head over heals on cloud #9.

It's St. Valentine’s Day! It’s a day when card-cookie-chocolate-teddy bear-flower sellers hit jack pot, it's a day when guys/gals get an excuse & extra batch of courage hormones to propose the objects of their desires. Even if it's a no, they'll be saved from the embarrasement coz Hey, it's valentines day!

For singles, cynics, broken hearts & unhappy ‘couples’ it can be a foolish reason to be ecstatic about, a waste of one's time, money & energy, loneliest time of the year next only to Christmas & new years, sighs – of disgust or of longing & expectations, love-birds who are together, will still be together - but with some one else next year or it's just another day. Yuck! So Chhesy, we say!

Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties.- Jules Renard

For idealists, die hard romantics & happy couples it's a day of fullness, of feeling complete. The heart is full of love & appreciation of the ‘sweetie’, starry eyes are full with one-hundred-and-one dreams with 'the one', mind & the entire being is full with the fragrant thoughts of the beloved & you are full with the smiles that stretch from this ear all the way to Timbaktoo.

Nestle up with your BF/GF complete with sweet nothings, mushy feelings, candy hearts, cozy long drives, long walks on the beach on a moonlit night, sprawled on the terrace together or on warm freshly cut grass under the stars on a clear night with cool spring breeze, lazily floating, with the fragrance of her perfume, snuggle up together on a couch in front of a Hugh Grant or Adam Sandler flick, ice-cream, kisses - some stolen some not so...
Is this Bliss or what?

Love - a wildly misunderstood although highly desirable malfunction of the heart which weakens the brain, causes eyes to sparkle, cheeks to glow, blood pressure to rise and the lips to pucker. ` Unknown.

For me it's all of the above & more.

On the other hand I would also love to spend such a day quietly with 'her' doing seva i.e. service. In an orphanage, playing with mischievous-gigling-playful- kids or helping some one in need, coz this is the 1st thing common between us – attitude of service. Go to dinner near beach, gifts, walking together hand in hand, kiss, drop her home & then talk to her until the break of dawn. Well, may be, someday.....

Personally I don't believe there should be ONE day dedicated JUST for Love.
'Love is not an emotion, it's our very being' - Sri Sri Ravi Shankar.
However if there can be a day dedicated to the love between brother-sister than why not a day to celebrate love between a couple?
It's the commercialization and sugar coated ness of the day that makes me cringe. It should be a private day, for intimate revelation of hearts innermost musings, not like an election campaign. If we can be as thoughtful & loving towards our beloved every day throughout the year, I think V day would be much more meaning full, in terms of re-affirming the wows already made & kept every day.

I don't think I have ever 'celebrated' V day with anyone in my life! I've loved & cheated upon & dumped & bailed out on but I haven’t been together with the 'love's of my life' on a V day. Wow! First time this thought has crossed my mind. Hmm it’s not bad.

And I don’t believe anyone who declares “they are single & happy & that’s the way to be”, because secretly they want to be with some one too, no matter how they try to validate their feelings.

We don't believe in rheumatism and true love until after the first attack. ~Marie Ebner Von Eschenbach, Aphorism
Love is the enchanted dawn of every heart.- Lamartine

So Happy Valentines Day to couples & Happy Independence Day to people like us! May the cup of our heart always be overflowing with Love. Amen!

I don't understand why Cupid was chosen to represent Valentine's Day. When I think about romance, the last thing on my mind is a short, chubby toddler coming at me with a weapon. ~Author Unknown

43 Things. Posted by In Search Of Myself , Monday, February 12, 2007 at 8:22 PM, in

Goals are dreams with deadlines.

People have known for years that writing down our goals is the 1st step towards achieving them. Why, you ask? Well, first you will not forget the goal & mix it up with something else going on in your head & secondly it helps you to clarify what you really want to do & keep your eyes on it.

And as people have very wisely said - 'You've got to be very careful if you don't know where you are going, because you might not get there.' & 'In life, as in football, you won't go far unless you know where the goalposts are.' & 'Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goals.'

What do you want to do with your life? Not an easy question to answer, my man, if, you think about it sincerely.

Here's a community that encourages you to do just that. 'Make a list on 43 Things and see what changes happen in your life. Best of all it’s a way of connecting with other enthusiasts interested in everything from watching a space shuttle launch to grow my own vegetables.'

I am proud to say that, "I am doing 43 things!".

http://www.43things.com/person/ashcash1in

P.S: No. 12 Achieved. Yay!

Finally!! Posted by In Search Of Myself , at 8:08 PM, in

Yay!!! Finally I have succeeded in creating my blog. This is my 1st post. I'm in office right now. And as the popular saying by sant Kabir goes 'I pretend to work, they pretend to pay me!', let me get back to pretending that I'm working! C'ya.