My Journey From Head to Heart
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"I understand with love comes pain, but why did I have to love so much?”

Ok I am aware that my blog is drooping under the mass of the posts. Well, I can’t help it lately I’ve made some tough choices and life’s been heavy on me. However, as soon as Stella (in this case me) gets her (his – since it’s me) groove back, the attitude of this blog will transform into something much lighter, brighter & happier & other nice things ending with ‘er.

However for now, let me persist in my search. These are some of the reasons I could find because of which we fought like cats & dogs. (That reminds me she has very strong blood-soaked nails & when she pinches, it feels like a thousand small but very real ants who have mistaken me for a sugar flavored delicacy, munching away. Also, that proves that I am sweet!)

Anyways, I proceed with the causes.

Insecurity: 1) Because of my inferiority complex. I don’t feel I am good enough than other guys. I felt everybody else is better than me when it comes to her & they are better capable of keeping her happy always (think SRK in KANK). I know that I care for her immensely and none of the guys could match upto that, still I felt that any moment she will cut off everything with me because of some other guy who is every thing that I am not. I felt that I don’t look good and she has a strong liking to chat intensely, with extra helpings of affection & she keeps checking out guys; who are good looking enough to get the role of hero’s best buddy or heroines best friend or brother easily in a bollywood masala movie, whereas I wouldn’t even be considered as an extra for a Bhojpuri movie with the names like ‘balam pardesiya’ & ‘Didi tora devar deewana’. So, whenever she would be acutely engaged in tête-à-tête with such minions-of-Satan disguised as elves, my ego would take a severe beating, like Venkatpathy Raju coming to bat with Rahul Dravid.

Trust: 1) I did not trust her completely because what she says & what she does is sometimes completely different. For e.g. She says that she is not interested in guys however she keeps checking everybody out, she says she doesn’t want to be in a relationship then why does she flirts with every good looking guy who starts talking to her; she suggests that she is very smart in checking guys out & they wouldn’t know that they are being checked out, but the guys observe too and they are not as dumb as widely believed & when she talks to such a guy her body language reveals everything; she says that she checks out guys just for fun & doesn’t mean anything serious then how come she has got over 50 proposals & she is still doing the same things around guys again & again which, encourage them to approach her. Or for that matter she says she used to check me out when she first saw me however I have my own doubts on that or that she says I look handsome (ahem!), I think the glasses she wears sometimes ought to be replaced with those of Amitabh Bachchan’s, which he is so fondly hated in Chupke-Chupke. 2) She has lied to me a couple of times & broken her promises. Like that time when she said she’ll never stop talking to me & now she’s promptly forgotten she ever said that. 4) I do not trust majority of the guys who come slobbering after her. They appear to me, a re-incarnation of Shakti Kapoor (decently dressed & well mannered one though) & Ranjeet & come to think that they are still alive, freaks me out.

"Doubt is a pain too lonely to know that faith is his twin brother."

"Jealousy lives upon doubts, it becomes madness or ceases entirely as soon as we pass from doubt to certainty."

Doubt is not the opposite of faith; it is one element of faith

The green eyed monster: 1) I get jealous when she flirts with other guys because with me she won’t even talk graciously in others company, she’ll wait to reach home to message or call or for the time when we are alone & no one is around us, to say 1 sentence to me. 2) I get jealous when another guy gets close to her physically (think of me as Preity Zinta in Armaan). 3) I get jealous when other guys flirt with her openly & very obviously and she responds to them. 4) I want to do everything to help her out & I get jealous when somebody else does the things which I want to do –like helping her out at her home with her assignments or picking her up & traveling together & dropping her back, offering suggestions & ideas, sitting together during satsangs or courses or talking to her late into the night. Now, thinking of some chump edging past me ominously to park himself nicely beside her or to lay a hand on her with cheesiest of excuses or to drop her back home, makes me dangerously prone to succumb to limfusircuma-of-the-intestine (Rajesh Khanna in Anand)

Jealousy is that pain which a man feels from the apprehension that he is not equally beloved by the person whom he entirely loves.”

"Love may exist without jealousy, although this is rare; but jealousy may exist without love, and this is common.”

"Jealousy is nothing more than a fear of abandonment

"Jealousy is a distorted from of Love." - Sri Sri Ravi Shankar.

Conflicts: I think about her a lot & miss her when I am not with her or not talking to her, I wonder where she is & what she is doing. This makes me look like unemployed-30-something-hairy-chested-lurking-in-the-dark-misguided-youth with way too much free time on his hands; but I assure you I am neither of that – my parole officer will vouch for that. I miss her a lot; not as much as I miss having muscles or having toothy-smile-with-dimples. When she is lost in her thoughts (which she loves, infact after Masala Curry her favorite thing to devour is Worry) or when we fight I can’t seem to divert her mind or make her smile anymore – which earlier I could do easily & I absolutely love to do (not that she has a heart warming smile or anything like that but it’s re-assuring to know that there still are people who find my jokes amusing). I swear, this one time she screamed with such force, when we were on our way back to home, that apart from de-boarding a dozen of guys hanging onto the local bus passing by, due to the shock wave; the alarmed auto-driver also forgot all sense of directions and his natural auto-wallah instincts & thus he not only returned all the money she gave to him; to me (well my pride demands, that when a girl yells at me I rather have her pay the bill, that way I can at least hold on to my money, after loosing the air of high self opinion & the capability to hear too), he also requested for directions to his home.

Whenever you're in conflict with someone, there is one factor that can make the difference between damaging your relationship and deepening it. That factor is attitude.

I don’t fight with her (chiefly because only she does) to tell her what to do or what not to do, it’s not that I don’t want her to talk to other guys but because I am so scared that I’ll loose her to them. I have no right to take away her freedom & I have no intentions of doing that either; however; all I want is to feel more secure when I am with her. I was looking for assurance from her that she’ll be with me & my fears are baseless. I have not been able to express my feelings to her & so in my frustration of not been able to say what I feel and her consequent misunderstanding of my feelings I fought with her. I put her down a lot, which I learned recently, that’s how I’ve learnt to deal with conflicts from my childhood experiences. As per Transactional analysis of parent-adult-child relationship, I react as a condescending parent during conflicts, because that’s how my parents would react to me when they would have a discussion with me.

I wanted to tell her that no matter what she does, I will still love her always, and I am happy when she is happy. So if what she is doing, truly gives her joy, than regardless of how I feel - I am happy for her. I wanted to say that I am sorry that I act this way, it kills me to talk to her this way, it absolutely makes me insane to feel this way around her, but I did not know then why I acted this way & how I can change for good. I could not deal maturely with my feelings & I held her responsible for what I was feeling & I hurt her then because I could not bear the hurt in me anymore. I did not fight fair & I did not handle conflicts properly which lead to more misunderstandings & arguments. When I get upset, I would expect her to call & ask me what the hell happened now but it’ll take min. of 2 days for her to contact me and then too that event will promptly be forgotten by her (yeah she has selective amnesia!). Repeatedly this happened and instead of calling right away she’ll still wait & then not discuss the reason what made me to behave in that manner.

Conflict builds character. Crisis defines it.

She says she accepts me as I am & no matter what I’ll always be her friend & she understands me, but she doesn’t. She says that she has never compared me with Vas, but she always does that. She forgets that they were friends for 4 years & thus more closeness & they did not share such feelings which I had for her from the beginning & thus no fights. It took only 6 months for them to part ways when he expressed his feelings for her. If they were together & met each other in the same circle, they would have fought too, although they would have resolved issues which I couldn’t.

“I'm not supposed to love you, I'm not supposed to care, I'm not supposed to live my life wishing you were there. I'm not supposed to wonder where you are or what you do...I'm sorry I can't help myself, I'm in love with you.”

5 Hitch Hikers:

Anonymous said...

I felt its jus me hu has written dis....amazing felt like its all me....even i fot wid her, loved her, though gave her more independence...but i jus feel de pain when she isnt der...n tell smthg dat shez gonna leave in few days n dat creates such a terrible feeling...bcoz dats 4 de first time i loved some1...

Anonymous said...

In tamil there is a proverb which tells u to stay away 6 feet from elephant, 60 feet from a lion and 600 feet from a girl of this type....follow this otherwise you guys will spoil will always be happy with a girl who has good character rather than good looks...this is a world renowned fact..ok assume that she accepts u, now feel out of the box..will u be happy throughout ur life with a girl of this type??......don't compare with movies because in movies if they put u or me as hero then the producer will start beggin in mumbai streets next day....

In Search Of Myself said...

Anon#1 & 2: This post transpired almost a year back & the place where I am, spiritually & mentally is quite different than where I embarked upon this journey of self discovery.

Whatever I have scribbled about 'her' is all that I 'felt', it's how I SAW it, it is not the true or the best reflection of 'her'.

I have come to believe that what we seem to deny in other, to judge or condemn in another, says more of what we are denying, judging and condemning in ourself. What we see in ourself is what we see in others. 'Change the way you see at things & the thing changes'.

The purpose of the relationship, I think now, is to find the self,to find who you are in relationship to the other person, what part of yourself you would want 'show up' not what part of other you can hold on to. When one loose sight of each other as two sacred souls on a sacred journey than you fail to see the purpose behind relationships.

One cannot love the other, if one cannot love oneself. That's what I did earlier. I was trying to search for love for myself through somebody else. I wanted her to love me, to accept me so that I can love myself, I can accept myself. A relationship can only work if each person 1st becomes self-centered that is centered in the self. Rather than worrying about what other is doing, having, being, saying if one can just be aware of what oneself is doing, having, being, saying there would be fairly less issues.

So, get into a relation for the purpose it is intended for - to grow and not to end boredom, or for sex, to end loneliness, to for acceptance or ego boosting.

Btw-It would have been nice if you leave your names : )


Anonymous said...


Thnx to Anon2 n it shud mostly be my "her" wat exactly the article says is u develop a relationship based on love, indpendence n trust n not abt the background n all crap...n when i loved u 4 de first time, its always going to be my first n last love...n dats decided..So all the proverbs be it to animals n prove every1 dat we r not animals but human beings..

Anonymous said...


Made the mistake of guessing the wrong person in the previous blog, but anyways this blog was pretty useful for communicating with my special....

Life goes on and should go on, whatever might happen one must still love and respect the person whom you loved...

Anyways, its been positive regarding my love and hope that it still continues that way...

And once again thnx for the moderator...kudos for having such a does influence in a big way...

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