If someone you adore infinitly doesn’t reciprocate yor felings – what do you do? If your best friend doesn’t speak to you anymore because of some misunderstandings & few bitter quarrels, would you give up the friendship? A couple of fights & would you forget the good times you had & overlook how much you care for each other? Or would you choose to stay, to stick with your friend? Would you be in that relationship even though, for now, there is no reciprocation of feelings & sometimes more misunderstandings, pain & loneliness than support, joy & companionship?This year, I have hit crossroads in my life as far as love is concerned. I have to choose should I bail out too; give up on 1 person I love to death? Or should I find myself, mature (finally!), find the meaning of true love & unconditional love, love her even though she doesn't (probably won't) & still be happy for her?
Well, I’ve been back & forth between the two roads. I know that choosing the 1st road is comparatively easy, serene & cheerful, hell it will be a PARTY!. I will find someone else (lots of fishes in the sea, rite!). I will not feel lonely; I’ll be spared of the gut wrenching pain I feel at times, which makes even inhaling & exhaling a workout in itself. There are more chances that I might find someone who understands me & is expressive. However, when (& I will) hit a road block in the new 'relationship', because I - the Me inside has not changed at all, in fact I'd have a lil more baggage I'd be bringing in with me; I'd be feeling the same feelings, going through the same emotions, dealing with conflicts the same way - none of which have worked in the past & I’ve ended up hurting the person whom I love the most.
"Love is the ultimate and the highest goal to which man can aspire. Then I grasped the meaning of the greatest secret & wisdom that human poetry and human thought and belief have to impart: The salvation of man is through love and in love." - Holocaust survivor Victor Frankl (Man's search for meaning)
I choose the road less traveled. I can find 1000 reasons to quit however I have 1 reason to keep going that beats everything & that is - I Love Her! I suppose it's time to finally grow up. I do not want to feel insecure, be jealous, possessive, and distrustful whether I am with her or not, anymore. I want to be centered, balanced, understanding, on top of my emotions, be able to communicate better, patient, trusting & be much better in expressing myself esp. during conflicts. I want to know myself better & I want to understand her better. If I can relate to myself 100%, only then can I relate to her. I want to be more confident. I want to be more skillful. I am committed to change. I understand that it will not happen overnight & for the change to be deep & lasting I would have to shift my beliefs, perspectives, change my thought patterns & habits. I know that this will be a painful journey for me as it requires me to look into my demons in the eyes and acknowledge them to change them. It would require a lot of courage, determination, will & knowledge.
I mean, I find it morally & ethically incorrect to break up just beacuse we are going through a tough phase. I am sure we all have seen 'soulmates' break-up for silliest of excuses. Nowdays, couples are in 'Deeply in Love/friendship' untill things are smooth, rosy & candy flavored. Once the rose tinted glass comes off & candy turns sour & the ride gets rocky, they run for their lives - in seperate directions. Every relationship goes though phases & if people survive tough phases with knowledge, strength & belongingness then they would have learned so much more about each other & themselves & things would take a turn for better. How can I just give up? Wouldn't it mean that my feelings for her were a farce, completely selfish & based on charm or comfort coz as soon as differences came up, instead of acknowledging & understanding them I bailed out? What kind of Love or friendship is that?
"The only true security that can be found in this world, is in the very process of giving love . The language of heart is love & the journey from head to heart is spirituality." - Sri Sri Ravi Shankar.
The bottom line is I really love her & I care about her a lot. I believe she deserves the best & I know I am not the best, infact that's why most of the time I fight with her. However, I am committed to invest my time & effort to change myself; no, to meet myself. My search has begun. I have embarked upon the most difficult YET most meaningful & if am strong enough to complete it; the most rewarding journey. And this is all because of her; because of my love for her.
Dinesh bhaiya once said very beautifully: "Jalna to hai hi; par Jal kar ya to raakh banange ya Sona!"
So, the next couple of posts will be a quest to understand myself, to accept myself & to comprehend & learn about true & unconditional Love.
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