At Home in Ashram.... Posted by In Search Of Myself , Monday, October 22, 2007 at 2:02 PM, in

OK I am back after exactly 2 months to blog the history in the making. These 2 months have been an assorted windfall of varied emotions - blissful, agonizingly painful, intoxicatingly ecstatic, anguish, full of hope & then fall from grace, suffering & resolve, faith & devotion, doubts & godlessness, secrets, lies, care, togetherness, hurt, affection, tears and cheers – all carelessly organized in one priceless gift pack. (More on this later)

I was in the Ashram for 11 days for Navaratri special advance course and homas. By the way, that's also the place where all the Gods & Goddesses descended, last week. The experience is so profound and powerful that it has re-instated my faith in many good things in life & have given my perspectives and thoughts, on some others, a positive color & my commitment towards Guruji & her have become much stronger (though I started out to do just the opposite of that) . Guruji's bhaav in Ganesh homa & in Chandi homa, the energy that manifested in him as Ganesh ji, Shiv ji & Devi, his playing the Veena, the garba 20,000 people meditating during Ashtami & the vibrations felt afterwards was just celestial!

And had a blast with Momo. If there is any other reason my time in ashram this time is unforgettable, it is Momo. I laughed so much after a very very long time. And in the process I realized this is how I really used to be before. I used to be very cool, carefree, I was able to laugh at many things which I take so seriously now & most importantly how much & how openly I used to laugh & also made others laugh.

I had started this course with a very heavy mind & immense negativity, which my skeptical mind believed cannot be reformed esp. even after doing 5 advance courses. As the course commenced, I would find myself sinking deeper into this chasm of sadness & darkness. Something, which I'd presume would be observed by someone who has come face to face with sudden but imminent death but have lots of unfulfilled desires & lots of things left unsaid to lots of people he cares for, and he knows against all hopes that no matter how hard he tries, he can't escape this, and all that he wants will just be lost in space. And in between all this agony, at some point, I must have reached rock bottom of misery because suddenly the fog started to clear out.

It started towards the end of the 2^nd last day of the course, during the process where we have to 'make something' (can't divulge what, coz it's the part of the course). In the beginning it was just another process, but as Vrinda ji's words fell on my ear 'do this with the innocence of a child', 'give your 100%', 'at this time there is no body else, just you and this ----', 'this is your finest creation, the person you love the most' & finally 'tell her what you havn't told anybody ever...and then it happened. Tears just started to flow, first salty then sweet ones, a wave of Love and belongingness just washed over my entire being for her & of gratitude for Guruji.

Gurji's message for this Navaratri: Atmarati Avirodhena – Rejoicing in the Atma (self) without any conflict. Surrendering or offering as Ahuti any conflict that come in our way & to all past hurts and feelings. Become Nava – new & fresh this Navaratri.

The effect of meditations combined with the prayers & homas is powerful beyond belief. It just blew me away. Witnessing Guruji in silence is such a profound and strong phenomenon. And his words, when he broke his silence, carried even more strength than before. 2,500 of us blessed souls would go bananas on his every move - rising up from his seat, pushing his hair back, fiddling with the mike in his unique way or even when he'll just say in his trademark style “haan?'.

One of my teacher was Vrinda ji from Rajkot. This was my 1^st advance course in Hindi & surprisingly it has been the best! Vrinda ji herself is so sweet in the way she speaks & her presence itself. She has a child like sweet innocent voice & when she speaks it's like words of wisdom flowing out with fragrance of flowers. And she will laugh ever so cutely on her own jokes while telling them. She said:

5 p's of life – Pyaas (Thirst), Prayaas (effort), Prateekhsa (Patience), Prem (Love) & Pooja (Prayer or surrender).

Life is not क for kamaana, खा for khaana & गा for gavaana। It must be useful for the betterment of the society too.

And there was this beautiful couplet she recited from Guruji which meant that when you sow a seed, you don't keep prying under the ground to see if the seed is sprouting or you don't water it 100 times a day to make it grow faster. Nature will take care of it, you need to have faith. Guru does the same with you, have faith.

HELP...I've been Tagged!!! Posted by In Search Of Myself , Thursday, August 23, 2007 at 1:24 AM, in

I’ve been tagged from the land down under by O.M to list 8 random facts about me. So, I guess OZ is not that far after all. I salute you, your narcissism has wide reach ma’am! Who created Internet? Pata chale to let me know, will give him supari to take out O.M.

1)My 4 biggest vices: Food, Movies, Clothes & her.

2)I believe in authentic, heart-felt living. At the same time, there have been many instances where I do things despite being acutely aware that I should be doing something else. In short I’ve got ego.

3)When I care about somebody I can run from one end of the world to another end of a rainbow to make him/her happy & comforted.

4)I’m awful with money. I can’t refuse if a friend wants to borrow & I never ask it back. Seems too cheap to me to ask for my own money! Anyway, isn’t it the responsibility of that friend to return? And mostly it is not returned. But I don’t forget that loan either.

5)I believe if you are just doing your routine 9-5 work then U may as well be born as a dog or cat & do it. Being born as a human being we should do more for society, for other people. Seva is very important to me. And that doesn’t only mean making some one or a close one smile, when we feel like it. No, it means reaching out, going all out to make world a better place to live. I believe in ‘Gandhigiri’.

6)Probably the only 2 things that irritate me is people asking obvious, stupid questions and me being asked to repeat something more than twice & also someone pushing me in a corner to get something done. I can be fierce in such a situation!

7)I am in love & yeah love hurts, BUT only in ignorance. With knowledge even longing is bliss. Trying to find out how to make longing more pleasurable.

8)I could as well be a girl & a very graceful, intelligent, sensual & well mannered one at that, the kind you can take home….to your mom. For starters, I like pink (not that god awful, in your face bright repellent Barbie pink!), I love shopping, cooking, spending more money than the GDP of Tanzania & I kid you not, I must have been proposed by more guys (read Gays) than by women. Bloody Hell! If you are a guy, take my advice; do not prance around alone at night in Bangalore! Trust me!

Ok take the last one with a pinch of salt. The last random thing ‘bout me, before I reach over and strangle O.M with her gaudy pink scarf with pink hearts, for making me think so much at this time of the day:

8) And I feel a deep desire to be in a mature, growing & fun filled relationship. I want to hold someone in my arm, play with her hair, spoil her & just look at her smile and in her eyes all day long (do not throw up!), I really do. When I think back I’ve always wanted this. However, being in relationship so far, has been so much effort coz I become so bloody serious about everything that I forget to have fun & grow together. I can be a great friend but relationship is a different ball game all together. Still I long for one. And yet I’m not sure now, if I shall get married at all.

See? So contradictory am I that I could easily pass for a young woman, were it not for my handsome manly rugged appearance.

So passing on the sadistic virus, I infect Pratty, Suni Jij's and Abhi..MUHAHAHA!!

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Rules of the game:
Each player starts with 8 random facts/habits about themselves.

People who are tagged, write a blog post about their own 8 random things, and post these rules.

At the end of your post you need to tag people and include their names. Don’t forget to leave them a comment and tell them they’re tagged, and to read your blog .
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Chak de...Kuch kariye! Posted by In Search Of Myself , Tuesday, August 14, 2007 at 5:54 AM, in

Have you seen Chak de India, yet! If not, get the ticket reserved for this weekend and go watch it. It’s awesome, for lack of better words. (I often find myself bemused when it comes to praise something which is really grand, not know many helpful synonyms for the same!) I am anyway SRK’s fan, so I was bound to like the movie, but it’ll surprise you even if you are the biggest critic of King Khan. His performance has been remarkably restrained & yet powerful. No overacting and over show of emotions, which he has been accused of every-time, and I agree he really went over board in KANK. However, this movie shows why he is the badshaah of Bollywood.

I won’t reveal much about the movie but it’s based on real life story of Indian men’s hockey teams’ former Goal keeper Mir Ranjan Negi. The music is thumping & goes with movie’s theme – sports movie. The new female actors which form the Indian National women’s Hockey team have done great job. Esp. Harayana girl Komal Chautala with her Haryana slangs and language, Preeti Sabarwal– looks really pretty & the warring between the two & Balbir - Punjab da garam puttar. Movie’s been really well edited and directed. What amazingly fresh and brilliant Hockey astro-turf. YashRaj films have received a lot of flak lately, for their repetitive themes and skin show; this movie will silence the critics. NDTV gives 4/5 and Rediff.com 3.5/5 stars. A double thumbs up!


Had a blast in the theatre!!! We were 25 people and we screamed our lungs out. I have never before sung a song aloud during a movie. Being a Nationalist & a proud Indian I absolutely loved the movie. Got me thinking too about something totally unrelated. (Will come to that later.)

End of last month went for Yes++ in Ashram with Dinesh bhaiya. It was as expected – heartfelt, graceful & amazing (again for the lack of better words). Dinesh Bhaiya’s subtle humor really tickles my funny bone. Play of words, intonations, hand actions & expressions are really timed to perfection. Add to that, the immense knowledge he has & the pleasantness, power, commitment, charisma and lightness that goes with it makes him so inspirational.

The course was really cool with 20 of us from Chennai. Had lot of fun again, felt sick during the end of the course again, meditations were as powerful as ever, learnt & felt new things in me that I haven’t felt before. The experience was deep. Then Bau came & answered all kind of weird questions from us with such Grace, wit & knowledge that everybody’s mind went silent. We were all rolling on the floor laughing. Bau and Dinesh bhaiya work together as a team and yet they are the 2 most different people you can find, brought together by HIM for a common vision - being M.A.D (Make A Difference).

For the past few days, esp. after the upgrade got over, thinking a lot about HER. Coming back to the movie, the real life hero Mir Negi, had lost a son too few weeks before he agreed to guide and advise the movie team. Here’s a man who faced 16 years of humiliation after India lost finals to Pakistan by 1-7, he was labeled as traitor, his home was stoned, the electricity half way through his wedding was cut off and rest of the ceremony had to be carried on without it. Here’s a man who has been in exile for 1 and a half decades and yet apparently God thinks he haven’t had enough & his 19 year old son dies in a road accident. I don’t think that God is a sadist, in fact I have really interesting thoughts about him & I am a believer, still it makes me ponder – is there really a point behind every thing that happens or does not happen for that matter? Does everything happens for a reason or they are just events unfolding at random? I wonder that the way things are with her, does that have any cause behind it?

I know that’s supposed to make me stronger, matured & understanding. Our relationships are a mirror of ourselves – someone said once, I think it’s showing me how I am really and learning from it. However, that’s in the long run. What I don’t get is things which happen everyday, are they happening for the same or even different or any reason at all?

Anyway, I don’t have a clue why I am being the way I am for the past few days. The only thing which I want to do is talk to her & when she does so, I don’t even pick up the phone. The only thing I want to do is be with her, to sit next to her again, to dance with her again, to pick & drop her again, however when she is around, I avoid her. We were together for the movie but not a word, lunch – nothing, then we were together again in the home & all I would have wanted to play carom with her and sing with her or just listen to her but what do I do, I go to the terrace and listen to songs and think about old times and cry. How much more lame can 1 get? Then I faked it all (which I am not good at) during satsang after taking a Sankalpa of doing so in the temple before the satsang. The smile, the energy, the dancing everything. All I wanted was to be next to her, to at least look into her eyes but nothing!

I know people fake for all kinds of reasons. But why do we do something when we want to do something completely different? I know I am not alone. And I wonder when I’ll start being myself around her again. I believe in authentic, heartfelt living & not being able to that just makes me feel so weird and uncomfortable.

I have thought of & ruled out going to Bangalore, coz I don’t want to run off from her. I have thought of & ruled out quitting AOL coz I want to work with her & follow my commitment towards Yes!+, which has given me so much & not my feelings. I have tried to forget her or ‘get over her’, somehow it keeps coming back to me.

And the way whatever little we talk nowadays, feels so curt. Instead of 'Hi idiot', 'what r u doing', 'hw was ur day', it starts with distant sounding 'Jai Gurudev' and instead of ending with 'byeeee', 'TC', 'sweet dreamzz' or smiles it ends with 'Jai Gurudev' again. Feels so terse.

This post feels so heavy, but I’ll get back soon.
P.S: O.M, will post the tag soon, needed to get this out ASAP.
Vid1Div2: Will reply to ur comment soon.

Lage Raho Munnabhai Opening Poetry. Posted by In Search Of Myself , Wednesday, July 18, 2007 at 5:16 AM, in

Lage Raho is one of those few movies, which you can watch again & again & not get enough of it. A movie loved by everyone, like - DDLJ, Andaz apna apna, Chupke-Chupke, Golmaal etc.

This movie is also special because I watched it with all of my best friends & with Rajesh bhaiya & Kavi di. : )

And also Dinesh bhaiya mentioned once '...this is a very Art of Living movie.'

This poetry is one of the best ones I've heard in a movie. Very honest and true. Very touching & heartfelt. It also won Filmfare award for best dialogue.

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Shaher ki is daud me daud ke karna kya hai?
Jab yehi jeena hai dosto to phir marna kya hai?

Paheli barish me train late hone ki fikr hai
Bhul gaye bhigte hue tahelna kya hai?

Serials ke kirdaaro ka saara haal hai malum
par maa ka haal puchhne ki fursat kaha hai?

Ab ret pe nange pao tahelte kyu nahi?
108 hai chanel phir dil bahelte kyu nahi?

Internet se duniya ke to touch me hai,
lekin pados me kon raheta hai jaante tak nahi.

Mobile, Landline sab ki bharmaar hai,
Lekin jigri dost tak pahuche aise taar kaha hai?

Kab dubte hue suraj ko dekha tha, yaad hai?
Kab jaana tha shaam ka guzarna kya hai?

To Dosto Shaher ki is daud me daud ke karna kya hai
Jab yahi jeena hai to phir Marna kya hai?

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~ : )

Of Marriage & Relatives... Posted by In Search Of Myself , at 3:45 AM, in

Came back from my home town. I went there after almost 3 years! Nothing much has changed there though. Few of my friends have gotten married (one even had a new born baby boy; talk about jet age) & that has given my parents & relatives alike, extra ammunition in convincing me to get married.

Will come to that later. I also went to my nani's town, that too after 10 years!! Man, time sure flies! I met all my mausi's & mama's (mom's sis & bro's). Since that time, the government's red triangle idea of 'hum do hamaare do' was not conceived, my mom has sister's and brother's - yep plural, both. Add to that in a small town almost every body who ever said hi to you more than thrice, will surely become a distant relative, so I have an extra spare set of mausi's & mama's too. In fact nani & nana's too. :)

The kids who were kids before, have grown up all tall & in10 years new generation of kids have materialized. So, no wonder I didn't know 90% of the tiny tots, who were jumping all over me, crooning latest Himesh Reshamiya's songs in my ears with scaringly accurate nasal twangs, laughing in mysterious giggles, like one does if someone's fly is open.

One thing for sure, kids in small towns have still retained their innocence as compared to kids in urbanised India, where kids watch, listen & experience everything a little too soon for their young minds.

Then my mamaji explained to me very patiently & logically (I have to admit he was right though) that how postponing marriage delays lots of other things in life - Kids, their education, wedding etc.

If my mom is to be believed, some people have already referred new, unsuspecting female candidates for the profile of my wife & since I haven’t shown the green flag, she had to reject their offers.

First thing, I know how important is wedding in one's life. I don't know if I am ready for such a giant leap. May be I am, may be I am not. As per my sis if I am not ready, I'll be, after I get married-as others do. But I am not sure if I can inflict myself upon a poor soul (though girl's nowadays are anything BUT poor or innocent). Now, I am fairly nice guy, heck this is my blog-I am extremely nice guy (on 2nd thoughts, I read in some e-mail on pataoing girls few years back, that current trend is girls like bad boys...hmm what do you know, I might not be such a nice guy after all).

Even so, I don't have few much desired traits that a wife looks for in her darling dearest. Like, she would want to spend double the amount that I may earn. I am ok with that as long as she spends it all on me, but I think a fuse will short-circuit somewhere if, she wants to buy shoes #14 or suit # 103 or jewellery worth the GDP of Australia.

Then, I'm not patient enough to listen to all things she had to go through the whole day, how she got Tomatoes for 12 Rs. instead of 14Rs., how she won an argument with my mom or vice-versa, how she could have married anyone else other than me, how she would want this or that, how many problems she has at work. All that is ok to, if there's a point to it. Coz as soon as I’m gonna attempt to give her a solution, I'd be labeled as insensitive coz I don't listen. All she wants is someone to listen, while she vents for 45 mins & here I am, with my twisted nose, with the audacity to try to hand her a solution to her miseries. How can I?

Or on a weekend I might just want to watch TV or go to a movie or simply zzzzz…but she might want me to visit her friend no. 1546576 or to clean the house.

Anyway, fairly recently my life has got some direction. I finally have a sense of purpose and vision. Something that says that I am important too, something that tells me that I can make a difference too. Something that excites me, despite all odds. Something that inspires me to reach out, break my patterns, become more than what I am. And that thing is public service. More on this later.

So, I am not sure when or if I’ll get married. For all I know I might remain celibate as Dinesh bhaiya and serve or I may run away tomorrow & get married with the first girl who accepts my proposal. So if you are a good looking, traditionally modern (?) girl reading this blog, get in touch. So that I can propose, you can accept and we may run away.

I promise I’ll earn double than you can spend, I’d listen to your endless bitter tirades ranging from the child of a mosquito to the party habits of princess of Zambia-without interrupting & I’ll pretty much do anything on a weekend to keep you from running away. But Of course promises are meant to be broken. :0)

Kuch Shaayari Ho Jaye...Irshaad!!! Posted by In Search Of Myself , Wednesday, June 20, 2007 at 12:04 AM, in

Kya Kahen Ab Apni Hakikat.
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Hakikat na puch mere fasane ki,
tere jate hi badal gayi nazar zamane ki,
log puchte hai mai khush kyun nahi,
kya kahu meri toh aadat thi aapke sang muskurane ki.. !!

Unki Yaad Mein..
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Humne unki yaad mein kitni cigretten zala di..
per khambakhat dhuen ne bhi unki tasveer bana di..
Mit na jaye tasveer unki..
Mit na jaye tasveer unki..
isliye humne ek aur jala di..!!

Mushkil Swaal Zindgi Ka..
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Koi aankhon aankhon se baat kar leta hai..
Koi aankhon aankhon mein mulakaat kar leta hai
Bada Mushkil hota hai tab Jawab dena..
Jab koi KhamosH rehkar Sawaal kar leta hai..!!

Asliyat Is Aashiqui Ki..
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Who aate to hain magar tan se nahi,
who bhethe to hain magar man se nahi,
kaun kehta hai, wo pyaar nahi karte,
karte to hain magar humse nahi.. !!

Umeed Phir Bhi Dil Mein..
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Dilon mein aarzoo ke diye jalte rahenge,
Aankhon se aansu nikalte rahenge.
Tum shama bankar dil mein roshni kardo,
Hum mom bankar yuhin pighalte rahenge..!!

Paigaam Humari Taraf Se..
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Zindagi me hardam haste raho,
hasna zindagi ki jarurat hai
zindagi ko iss andaz me jiyo k apko dekhar,
log kahe wah zindagi kitni khubsurat hai.. !!

Insomnia
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when i am with you,we stay awake
when you are not here,i cant sleep
praise god for these two insomnias
and the difference between them.

Ashram Yes++ rocked! Posted by In Search Of Myself , Tuesday, June 19, 2007 at 2:20 AM, in

Hi ya,

Coming back to the blog world after a long time. Was in Bangalore 1st week of this month for the heavenly Yes++ with Guruji. Man, the combinations were just electifying. Guruji, Vishalakshi Mandap, Ashram, Bawa, Food, Full Moon, Meditations...

Since I did my 1st Yes!+ I would see people burst into tears just at a glimpse of guruji or when being near guruji. I never really understood this phenomena. There I would be standing with feeling nothing when guruji arrives and people around me are feeling all kinds of emotions known to man kind & I'll be thinking - huh?! Untill now. For the first time, after a year of being actively involved in Art of Living I cried at the glimpse of guruji! It was on the day when we were coming out of silence. We were doing one of the simplest yet torturest (I'm sure there is no such word, still it's deceptively painful) meditation, this could easily have been used in concentration camps to keep the few rebels in there skins. 20 minutes of pain, and when we opened the eyes, lo and behold Guruji was sitting as gracious as ever, smiling in front of 400 of us blessed souls!!! We went delirious with joy!

I went numb...& within few minutes I was in tears, of gratitude, of peace, of strength, of happiness, of hope. It was just so beautiful!...tears just kept trickling down my cheeks. But the heart was light as a feather. Entire being tingling with the sight of him. It's a sight that can only be experienced.

People would throng, push, pull, kill (with a smile!), jump, do everything that'll convince a monkey that these people surely must have been in his family sometime; to get near guruji, to touch him once, to be blessed by him, to talk to him. It was so amusing, yet I understand the joy people are experiencing & the gratitude they just can't express fully. I, for one, feel so comfortable just to see him, I don't tumble others to get near him - coz I know he is close to me , or shout my lungs out to talk to him - coz I don't need words to talk to him, to touch him - coz he is a part of me & I am a part of him & to get blessings from him - Coz I know I am blessed.

I wonder & pity those people who have not experienced anything like this in their life time, who are caught up with things that don't matter, with routine 9-5 stuff, yet I am greatful that I've felt it. I feel for people who just reel in there minds, intellectualising his effect on the world not knowing that he transcends mind & intellect, that this knowlege can only be experienced not debated or understood through words or concepts of the head.

Although, just like Rishikesh Yes++ I would sleep off in between the meditations ever so often. Bhaiya did gave an answer to this, that whatever my body needs, will be given to it.

The games, all the activities, meditations, knowledge all seeped deep in. I was so free and myself during this course. During silence I felt completely detached & disconnected from everyone around me, which was little difficult at first coz I've started to feel everyone as a part of me, as a part of god. I had 103 fever last day of the course, still I was there in VM at night for Bawa's session - with a blanket. Commitment before feelings put into practice.

One thing that I still can remember vividly is the sense that I can do anything. Things which used to hold me back from being my true self, from being complete no longer are there. I have the power within me to change the world, one step at a time.

Missed her at times at night. One more beautiful event was the moonlit nights every night of the course, with guruji guiding us through the meditation in the amphitheatre in front of VM & answering questions. We stayed in the new rooms in 'Aparna'. It was awesome! I could see the moon from the window in my room, snuggled up in my bed. Thought about her. No questions, no answers, no events, no voices, no fights, no past, no future - just her spirit. It was nice.

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I was reading something about guruji and discovered the reason why tears well up in people's eyes, when they see Guruji is - Devotion - the highest form of love. And perfect example of that is Kavi di.

All the pick up lines one can ever use :) Posted by In Search Of Myself , Wednesday, May 23, 2007 at 2:28 AM, in

Excuse me, beautiful, mind if I stand next to you and do some talking? I don't mean to intrude, but I couldn't help but notice that you were sitting all alone and enjoying yourself. There's just one problem: If you're here right now, then that means heaven must be missing an angel or something to that effect. Though I doubt anyone's noticed since there are so many angels up there anyway.

I'm trying to say that you're hot.

You look pretty tired, though. Maybe it's because you've been running through my mind for a while. I think about hot women a lot, so for the purposes of this argument let's just say you were one of the ones that I'd previously been thinking about, even though we just met. Are you considering going home with me yet? Because if not, I could ask you if it hurt when you hit the ground after falling from heaven. I know I already said the thing about you being an angel, but maybe you didn't catch it the first time. Or if you did, maybe it will seem like I'm building off that. I'm trying to tell you that you're pretty like an angel I want to sleep with, is the point.

What else is there? Oh, are you from Tennessee? Because I think you're a seven. I might have gotten that wrong, but you get the gist of it. I'm using the name of a state to express how much I'd like to see you naked, but I don't really care where you're from.

Can we just go now? All right, well then why don't you tell me your sign. I don't really believe in astrology, but maybe you do and will go home with me because I come across as open-minded for mentioning it. I think I'm a Virgo. Pisces? One of those. I'm sure we'd be good together, because you're very attractive, as I've said before, which I think is really the most important thing anyway. Speaking of which, do you have a license? Because you're driving me somewhere that's complimentary to you.

Your eyes are blue like the sky or water, whichever you prefer. And your lips are really red like—I don't know—that girl's lips over there. I didn't quite say it right, but the sentiment is there.

So do you have a boyfriend or what? Because I don't have all night to waste on talking to you if you're dating someone.

Do you have a mirror in your pocket so I can see myself in your pants? How about a quarter, so I can call my mother and tell her I found the girl of my dreams? I'm not actually going to call her, because she's been dead for two years and it's actually up to 35 cents now anyway and I'd probably just use my cell phone, but I'll take the quarter from you if it will get you in the sack.

We should go back to my place and do some math. We'll add a bed, subtract our clothes, and do other math stuff related to love making.

Look, it's obvious where this is leading. I'm saying all the right things and you haven't walked away yet, so let's just cut to the chase: Do you come here often? If so, would you like to go back with me to my apartment and get down with me? What if I told you I would rearrange the alphabet for some reason? I'm thinking of asking you what you'd like for breakfast tomorrow, in the hopes that you might sleep with me because I implied that it's inevitable.

Can you see where I'm going here?

I guess I should say I think I've seen you someplace before. And I don't mean earlier, when I was staring at you. I'm pretty sure we've met in a past life or in my dreams or something, so you should feel comfortable lowering your standards around me. Also, your shoes are nice, so I'm sensitive and observant. If you really need me to, I could buy you a drink to show you I have some money.

Wait, don't go. Just one more thing. I lost my phone number. Can I have yours so I can call you later about borrowing some money?

What were You thinking???!!!

Timeless! Posted by In Search Of Myself , Sunday, May 20, 2007 at 10:01 AM, in

Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional.

Make your actions an expression of your happiness, rather than looking for happiness in the result. Be happy NOW.

There are 2 things: Seer & the scenery. Seer is you & secenery is the world outside, ur feelings, thoughts. As long as you are stuck in the scenery, you'll be miserable. To be Happy, blissful & at peace you have to separate yourself from the scenery & come back to the self.

Yes!+ Posted by In Search Of Myself , Thursday, May 17, 2007 at 11:04 PM, in

Brand new day, brand new course. This course is even more special coz I've worked on it from the scratch. Getting a database of people to call, calling approx. 80 people in just 2 days, leading other people, organizing the venue, talking to VVKI & other people for course requirements etc.

People are so funny. You offer them a fantastic life changing opportunity to experience & they will come up with all sorts of silly reasons to convince themselves why they can't do it. "I can't do the course, because the venue is very far." Yeah right, Mayajaal to bagal mein hai na, when you want to see a movie, or pondi is next door when you want to go for a outing. 1 girl "I cannot do the course coz my home is 4 Km from the venue & at night I'll have to go alone". 9:30 is night for you? And they say women is equal to men in all ways. Even security watchmen doesn't sleep by that time. Or "My office gets over by 5:30, so I cannot reach the course by 5:30'. Bloody, then organize, manage & finish your work & leave 30 minutes early for 5 days. "My mummy doesn't allow". Are you sure you are not 80 years old? When you wanted that 2k dress or bike then how'd you convince your mom???

Anyway, I put in my 100% & I was able to exceed the target set by bhaiya.

There are 3 type of questions & 3 kinds of listening.

Questions:
1) Superfluous: E.g How are you? You don't really want to know or are intereted in knowing the answer, but still you ask. Ueless, pointless questions likes asking a friend in a theatre: What are you doing here?

2) 2nd type of question is a question, answer to which, you already know. This question is asked for 2 reasons:
a) To show off that you know the answers or for confrontation with the person you asked the question to, to prove he does not know it.
b) For confirmation. To get a seal of approval from someone verifying that the answer which you had, was in fact correct.

3) Question that comes out of a honest or prayerful mind. Where you really want to know the answer * question is realy important.

It is said in Upanishads, that for a question to qualify as a right question it should meet following criteria: It should be asked to the right person, at right time, in right manner, in right place & then, may be you will get a right answer.

3 types of listening are:

1) Intellectual: Where you hear from your head & your mind is constantly saying either 'Yes, Yes' or 'No, No'. You are not really listening to what the other fellow is saying, you are listening to what you want to listen, to the information, right or wrong, that is in your head.

2) Emotional: You are blown away by the speaker, however the effect lasts a short time. You listen from your heart.

3) When you listen from a prayerful, objective mind. Where there are no judgements.

This will be another blissful & fantastic experience.

Random Musings Of Ironical Kind. Posted by In Search Of Myself , Monday, May 7, 2007 at 12:55 AM, in

In Oriental, secrets are treated as sacred however, in Occidental secrets are termed as shameful. Come to think of it, that's how even I think. I cannot make sense of secrets. I'll think of the worst if I come to know that some thing's been hidden from me. They make me uncomfortable, chiefly because I have Western opinions on secrets. If somebody keeps a secret from me, it would be because that secret was a dirty one. I have had lots of difficulties due to just this simple incorrect concept in my head. It's much simpler & positive just to accept most secrets as sacred. Sure, there will be some people who'll keep secrets from you, which should be told in all honesty. However, these will be few & far in between & if I treat all secrets as ugly then it'll effect peace of my mind & my relationships. So, take secrets to be sacred. Respect them.

There are times when I wish, if only I had perfect memory, the photogenic kind. Whatever I see, read or hear one time, can get imprinted in my head. I mean that's one sign of intelligence - good memory. There are also times when I wish, if only I can forget few things from the past, get a few brain cells freed. Few old moments not so good enough, few details or small stuff not relevant anymore, some feelings etc. my life will be much simpler, more honest & innocent. Then I thought about people who have lost their memory, they can't remember a thing from their life. How empty would there life be? All details, feelings, experiences, reference points gone. They would literally give anything to remember their past, to get their life back. Art of letting go - something I need to get better at.

There are times when I want to be all by myself, just in my world. Day dreaming, creating, rejoicing, sulking, reflecting, being crazy - whatever. A single noise can make me so edgy. And then there are times when I would want to be with people. Not that I don't want to be or can't be with myself. I have gotten better at enjoying my company. I can be alone yet not feel lonely. Not doing anything to keep me occupied, yet be at ease. Still there are times when I want people around me. Talk, sing, dance, observe, tease, laugh, cry, share - do whatever with them.
I need balance here again. There are times when I want to alone right in a middle of a party or in the office & when this feeling comes I just become aloof. Bad timing!

There are times when I wish that if all the noise can fade off just for a few minutes, if people can just shut up for few minutes, stop the intellectual diatribes & explainations, meaningless unsure jittery conversations, I can experience & float in the peace that ensues. Then I think of people who do not have the gift of listening or have lost the ability to hear, how silent there existence would be. Would they be able to touch the Peace which, I seem to assume, would be so tangible in there lives?

Then there are times when I want to be quiet, silent. Just listen, observe, absorb or drift away in my own world. Again this may happen when I am required the most to talk, when I am with people. Slight prodding from someone to say something will make me edgy. And then there are times when I'd I think of people who do not have the gift of speech or who have lost the ability to speak, how silent there life would be? How they'd express themselves & their agony of inability to express a feeling to the person they love, in words. Then there are times when I would just blabber. Even when there's nothing left to talk I'll talk. Even this produces dullnes. Guruji says 'purpose of all the questions & answers, of all words is to create silence in the mind'. I want to talk as clearly & effectively as possible. Less words more understandings, few sentences deeper silence.

One thing that I'm learning is - Being Grateful. Being grateful for what I have & stop complaining about what I think I deserve. I would still strive for more however, with contentment & gratefulness for what I already have & less feverishness for what I want to achieve. Life is beautiful if I look at what I'd got than what I lack or what I should have. Choice is between a life of abundance or life of lack. As it's said "I complained about my shoes untill I saw a man with no feet". As the saying goes - 'Those who are grateful for what they have, will be given more...". Accept things as they are...

Time, an office boy & a king have same time - 24 hours in a day, it's how they use it, what they do in that time counts. That's what makes a king a king & the office boy an office boy. We complain of not having enough time to do things - esp. the things which we'd like to do the most or the things which are the most important. "Ohh I'd love to attend the course, I really need it too, I am so stressed out but I don't have time because...", "Ohh I'd love to learn dance/music/swimming, I've always wanted to since I was a kid but I don't have time because... Well then! Time flies anyway. It's 1 year since I did the course last year, 2 years since I joined my Co., 5 months since I wished Happy new year, this year, 3 months since the last advanced course & I don't know when the time just flew! I can't list 20 new things which I did in this time.! Sometimes we wish time to run, sometimes to stop, sometimes it crawls at it's own pace even when we want otherwise. In any case, it flies, it ain't coming back, so make the most of today. Do the things that you WANT to, instead of doing things that you HAVE to. Do what you want to & then do what you have to - to make it happen, to see it through.

Our belief creates our reality & if our beliefs aren't creating the reality we want, we better look into our beliefs & change them. Patterns of habits, of looking at & perceiving things, of reacting, of doing things, all are formed over certain period of time. Become aware of those patterns. If certain patterns have not worked in the past change them to create a new present or better future. A belief can either limit you or free you, expand your horizons or imprison you. Broaden your vision.

Zindagi Rocks! Posted by In Search Of Myself , Friday, May 4, 2007 at 6:29 PM, in

Yes!+ got over on Wednesday. This was by far THE best course by Rajesh bhaiya. And as I mentioned earlier, first one in which I did a lot of work including conducting Surya Namaskar's & getting & managing divine shop.

The added bonanza was the surprise presence of Dinesh bhaiya. He has been invited by Virginia tech University to bring peace & strength to the friends & family of it's students. He had to complete Visa formalities the next day. I went to to the airport to pick him up alongwith 2 friends. We waited for about 20 minutes & the moment I saw Dinesh bhaiya - in white kurta, back pack, flowing hair, there was this gush of positive energy & happiness. Everybody was gazing at bhaiya wondering who is this angel with long flowing hair, beautiful smile, radiant face & a walk that says "I own the world" & at the same time "I belong to you". His presence is so positively powerful. We literally flew back to the course - courtesy momo, as it was already late in the night. Bhaiya spoke to the participants for about 15-20 minutes & that was enough to spread his charisma around.

Learnt a lot in this course even though I was suffering from viral fever. First time I gave 100% in all the processes.

Some of the points which I would remember are:

- Neither demand nor offer explainations in a relationship.
- Demand destroys love.
- True love is knowing that the person you love is neither yours, nor can be taken away from you.
- Know that you are blessed. This is all you have to do. On this path if you take 1 step divine will take 100 steps for you. Know that you are taken care of.
- Ego is nothing but not being natural, not being in your nature.
- Belongingness reduces ego.
- A, B & C of life.
Awareness of self, thoughts, feelings & fact that everything changes.
Belongingness to others, with love.
Commitment before feelings.
- Youth is Autheniticity, Intensity & enthusiasm.

- Learnt few things about managing & getting things done.

- If you cannot see God in the next person you see, you will not see god ever.

- Love & respect does not mean obedience.

- Some virtues we have to assume we already have, to cultivate them.

- Responsibilty=Power; Irresponsibility=Complaints

- Be grateful - you'll stop blaming & grumbling. Be grateful for what you have, no matter how little it is, you'll be given more.

- Make Guru your priority, rest will fall into place. Be with the light of knowledge.

- SHOW anger if you have to, but don't GET angry. Be Centered.

- Grace is what follows after you've given your 100% & surrendered the feverishness for the result.

- Life is a game. It's a ball to play with. Don't take life too seriously. When you take life as a game you'll see that everything that happens is part of a game. As there are wins & losses in a game, so is their in life.

- There is right time for everything; right time to ponder big questions in life & time to enjoy the simple things in life.

- Things are as they are, we label them beautiful or ugly.

- In the realm of body effort is required, however in the realm of the mind effortlesness is the key.

My B'day wish, although did not come true, I am sure she remembered my B'day & thought about me - fondly or otherwise. Felt bad that night as I was hoping for a week that she'll at least wish me in some way. Bhaiya asked, as if he knew, the next day "how many of you were able to maintain the smile all day long." I replied that I lost it for about 15 minutes thinking about this but then thought of some of guruji's knowledge, let it go & got back to myself. He he, bhaiya said 'Tathastu' 15 minutes to be upset is granted. :) Bhaiya has such sharp, clear, soulful eyes that it was impossible for me to look directly into them for more then a few seconds!

Last day, people hugging each other, posing for snaps, tears in the eyes, contentment of completeness on the glowing happy faces - all reminded of my own course done May last year, with her.

"Suppose quesions get suppose answers with suppose meanings" - Bhaiya on being asked a hypothetical question. :)

Getting ready for the next course. It will be a blast again!

Day1 Posted by In Search Of Myself , Friday, April 27, 2007 at 11:34 PM, in

Day 1 of a brand spanking new course. This is going to be an intimate course of 15 people & bhaiya. For the 1st time I am involved in a course from the very beginning. I spoke to people about it, informed them about it, got a few registrations, gave suggestions for improvements, prepared the hall, made the participants comfortable etc. Bhaiya has viral fever, still the smile never fades, intensity is 100%. Amazing!

I remember the 1st course which I did, May last year. Differences in me, my desires, thoughts etc. since then.

Q1. What do I want in life? (Be as specific as possible)

Ans, Then: Peace of mind, forgetting & letting go of certain feelings, events, people from my life, clarity, see things in proper perspective, finding my purpose.

Ans, Now: Car - Palio or Chevrolet-UVA, lots of new clothes esp. Kurtas, Laptop Dell or HP or Compaq with big screen 1 GB RAM SB-Live ATI-Radeon, letting go of things, being detached or dispassionate after helping someone & from results of any task I undertake, loving her unconditionally, being more assertive & comfortable esp. in a group.

Q2. What bothers you in life?

Ans, Then: Liars, arrogant & selfish people, street children's mentally & physically challenged children's, population, traffic, pollution.

Ans, Now: Nothing that is outside of me bothers me! I am bothered by my own wrong/immature/sub-conscious choices & attitudes, reactions/responses to events/people. However they may be - wrong/right, bad/good I am bothered by how I take them, how I perceive them. When I haven't given my 100%. The way things are with her.

Q3. What do I expect out of this course?

Ans, Then: All the things mentioned in Ans 1.

Ans, Now: Nothing. Just listen without judgments (art of listening), be 100% in all the processes, be aware & in the present moment.

Let's see how it goes...

Ab na jaa... Posted by In Search Of Myself , Monday, April 23, 2007 at 3:54 PM, in

Yesterday was bhaiya's brother's 'Roka' ceremony. Though it took me quite a while to understand that's what it was. Both, the bride & the groom were not present & we were invited to the 'Engagement' ceremony. Anyway, had nice time with cutie cheeks Sarveshvar & Shrikhar jumping all over 'Ashwani anna'. Food was delicious! Felt good while doing some 'service' after a long time, for the oldies. It's interesting to imagine how the families from both the sides would have come together, began a new relationship & have become one family. Just think, a few months ago they probably did not even know each other & even if they did they wouldn't have thought that the girl of one family & the boy from another family will bind them all together. That, I think, is one beauty of the institution of marriage.

Saw her during the ceremony yesterday. I wanted to talk to her, but I knew I won't. Not untill she wants to talk first. In fact I don't even look at her directly nowdays, coz that just reminds me how much I miss her. That's the reason i did not attend the satsang by our new band. I wanted to be there & cheer for her, sing with her, but...I missed her a lot esp. in the past 2 days. I got angry also thinking how can she not call or message me for so long. She left little early too. Got to know that she got upset coz other guys were teasing her for something. She even cried a lil' bit. She is not the kind who generally cries, at least not in front of others & not for something silly. Felt bad. Thought of messaging her, but didn't. Atleast I am not the one who is making her cry... or may be I am, dunno.

Nostalgia engulfs me



She was dressed in something like this lady in Euphoria's song. As soon as I saw her, this song - my favorite, just leaped up into my consciousness. Got nostalgic. Everything in this song reminds me of her & times we had together. Lyrics sing, what I feel. The candles, the snap, lyrics, bracelet, ear-rings, rain....Everything brings up this memory or that. I was sitting on the terrace of my home late in the night, enjoying the cool breeze, listening to this song, reading her messages, looking at her snaps. Feeling nostalgic but not sad. Few tears rolled down, but didn't feel sad, just missed talking to her & being with her & doing things with her.

I really hope we start talking at least on my B'day. That'll be the best gift I can ask for. That is my B'day wish.

This was my 2nd attempt at poetry for her. Posted by In Search Of Myself , Wednesday, April 18, 2007 at 7:14 PM, in

Why does one loves?

Why does one loves another? is a question sometimes we ask
To find this out, is such a difficult task.
Do we ask the rays, why the sun glows?
Do we ask the fragrance, why the wind blows?
Do we ask the ocean, why the water flows?
Do we ask the mountain, why does it snows?
Do we ask a seed, why does it grows?
The answer is; that's how god wanted it to be

& thus is god's wish for me, to love thee!
Love shouldn't be difficult; love shouldn’t be this hard,
It's not understood with the head, but is to be caressed with the heart.
You can't analyze, then bisect this & dissect that and then open it all apart
Coz my dear it's my heart and not your architecture chart!

That night when you were sleeping, I watched you for a while
That night when you were sleeping, all I could do was look at U...& smile.
That night when you were sleeping, I kept holding your hand
That night when you were sleeping, I knew this is where my heart will land.
That night when U were sleeping, the beating of my heart I could hear,
That night when you were sleeping, I know I could cry tears but still want you near.
I can still feel the fragrance and softness of your hand,
& ur lips parted as u broke into a smile, u hugged me closer & the moment was grand.

When I close my eyes I see your face,
When I sleep, I feel you and I embrace,
When I worship I pray
That you find the way
to my heart by 'his' grace.
When I laugh, I realize you are behind,
When I cry, You, I cannot find.

Cupid must have hit me with more than an arrow or two,
coz no matter what happens, I can't stop lovin' You.
Sometimes you take me for granted,
And that's not what I wanted,
I have learnt some things from my past,
To be able to look at my self in my own eyes, is one of that.
I have my dignity,
Please do not try to take it away with ur vanity.

I know U too feel something inside.
That, U do always want to hide.
U too want to fly, U too want to soar,
It’s has been a long moment in time for U to be trapped behind doors.
I want to give U wings; I want to fly 2,
And when U do, I want to be next to U.
I want to reach out and into U
I want U to reach out to me too.
I want to listen to your pain,
And those feelings of loss & fear which u still retain.

I want to travel with the rays of your hope; I want to soak in the warmth of ur smile,
I want to taste your tears; I want to walk with ur doubts
I want to brush away all the dark clouds,
I want to dive deep into ur heart & touch ur soul.
I have known U inside me in the waking hours long before we met,
A possibility to love you, I do desire to get.
Your voice, ur words, ur touch, ur presence, ur spirit to me is sublime,
For U I shall wait till the end of time.
I want you to give me some sign,
That 1 day I’ll be yours & U’ll be mine.

More than myself I Love You,
Coz 'I' have died for myself and in 'U' I live.
From you all my powers & strengths emerge,
In you all my efforts & hopes converge.
Life has a purpose, with U in my dreams,
But in your absence, death looks more meaningful.

In this story I might be the only person, who dies,
And I'll die because I Love You
And U don't seem to get a clue,
But One day, someday, something will warm your cold cold heart,
And U will find me gone, long gone, dead
In fire & blood.

But until then let my heart churn,
and for you it must yearn.
And then when I have crashed & burned
I hope this truth you would have learned,
That, you knew love all along,
That I loved you...just You and nobody else
Not ur semblance, not ur body,
...I just loved you, without a reason or excuse.
………………………………..
With Love,
~ @$h…

Happy New Year!!! Posted by In Search Of Myself , Saturday, April 14, 2007 at 12:14 AM, in

Today is Tamil New Year - HAPPY NEW YEAR!! If you made any resolutions on English new year, time to gauge your progress & if you promptly forgot your resolutions on the 2nd day of new year, time to renew them.

Today was mega satsang. One of my fav. songs - Radhe Govind Krishna Murare was sung. The song is heavenly, you just have to hear it. It has this contemporary feel, Garba beats, is very melodious & relaxes you instantly. Yo can't but sway with it. Meditation after that was deep.

Today I saw her, after what seemed liked ages. She was looking lovely as usual, although I liked her long curly hair better.

Felt nice. Did I feel sad or angry? No, I was infact happy just to see her & also not stressed as I used to be earlier, worrying who she's talking to or which guy is talking to her. Felt free. I did feel nostalgic, thinking about the good & bad times we had together. Anyway, I was happy just to see her smiling & content that at least I am not there to make her sad or cry. She laughs so exuberantly now days. Don't know if she's really warm & happy inside or is this just another mask of hers, to hide something. Anyway it warms my heart to hear her laugh. Just feel, if we can share the smiles & laughters sometime....

Both of us still can't be in the same room together because both feel uncomfortable & conscious.
Although I was much more in touch with myself than before. I have become more accepting of situations, places, her, what happened between us & myself. I am much more aware of what I am feeling/thinking & how I am responding/reacting.

She still thinks what I did was wrong, & I don't blame her for that. I know I haven't done anything wrong & my intentions were not wrong either, but I cannot & will not explain this to her, again. So, until she is ready to talk again, I'll wait, with faith.

Speaking about blame, I have realized the futility of holding someone else responsible for how I am feeling. I give away so much control & power to that person, over myself. Responsibility is the key word.

So, may this new year brings more Joy in her life, more warmth to her heart & more smiles to her lips; & new brain cells to me. Resolutions or no resolutions may you be kind, peaceful & happy. Amen! :)

It feels good. Posted by In Search Of Myself , Thursday, April 12, 2007 at 1:44 AM, in

Everytime I think about these, I smile!

Think about them one at a time before going on to the next one . .

-Waking up and realizing you still have a few hours left to sleep.
-Laughing for absolutely no reason at all.
-Finding 10 rupee note in your shirt pocket, after it had been washed & ironed few weeks back.
-No lines at super market
-Hearing your favourite song on radio
-Midnight phone calls that last for hours
-Having someone play with you hair/cheeks/ears/fingers
-Accidentally overhearing someone say something nice about you.
-Knowing that somebody misses you.
-Knowing you've done the right thing, no matter what other people think.
-Running into an old friend and realizing that some things (good or bad) never change.

Random Thoughts. Posted by In Search Of Myself , Friday, April 6, 2007 at 10:37 PM, in

I've been doing a lot of reading nowadays (most of it during office hours ;) ) as I am on this path & I have come across various intriguing thoughts which have struck a positive chord with me. So thought will put those up here:

=================================================================
Deep inside in some corner, every thought lives a life, in a same way we live. The more u give time to each thought, the more it lives. Thoughts which don't get time will eventually die. Your body speaks the language that ur mind understands and it can really stretch to any limits you desire. In short "nothing is impossible".."
=================================================================

"It hits you suddenly, how alone you are, nobody with you and you are all by yourself to figure out what to do next, where to go, whom to ask."

"That is how it is in life, isn't it?"

People who were fast friends once are strangers today. Strangers seem more familiar. The guy you spoke your heart out to once upon a time today thinks before saying hello to you. The girl who you thought knew everything about you, waiting on you head and foot, today doesn't stop to look if you are alive, and how.

Feelings, changing, changing, turning around, sooner or later. And my friend was right. That is how life is. You are out on this field that is your reason to be, and it is once full, once empty, but each time, you are out there alone. To fight your own battle. The closest of friends, the truest of lovers absent in the face of the magnanimous.

Just you and life, standing face to face, in neutral silence. Armed or otherwise.

You accept it. Because soon you see that is the way it is, not a handicap, but the rule of the game. This is the way you have to play it. After a point of time, you notice others too, all alone, standing in their very own Kanteerava Stadiums, empty or not.

And then you know you are not lonely. Growing together, not apart.
==================================================================

"I think there are phases of life, one phase of life i am with someone sharing, laughing, movies, getting pampered, having fun. It feels good to depend on somebody, almost there is the urge to be dependent on someone. It feels good...that feeling is lovely...

and there is this other phase of life wherein I am all alone, trying to figure out things in life, but these are the phases in life, when actually I venture out and do something different something creative, something new, things which I otherwise may not do.

I guess both phases keep coming and going not in any particular order, or time duration...that is why life is fun :D "
===================================================================

"...you have to learn to depend on yourself for everything.... and everything includes happiness too... I don't mean that you should not have family, friends or lovers or whatever to support you whenever you feel the need for it.... but you should learn to depend on yourself for everything... to fight, to pick you up, to bring a smile on your face....

you need to do this so that you allow them to get the time and energy to find that happiness within themselves too... in the pursuit of searching within yourself for happiness you unleash sparks of creativity within you... if you depend too much on others then you stifle the creativity within them...
==================================================================

P.S: Thanks Reema, Goli & Alistair.

Of Appearances & Choices. Posted by In Search Of Myself , Tuesday, March 27, 2007 at 4:30 AM, in

Why do we sometimes pretend to be somebody we are not? Why do, when we actually want to do one thing, but end up doing something else? Why can’t we say what we actually want to say instead of keeping quiet or saying something that doesn’t really matters? Why are we indifferent with some of our friends while cheerful with others?

I am referring to the situation that’s going between the two of us. We are not talking but we want to. I see her everyday but I don’t as much even look in her direction, forget about looking in her eyes. I want to sit next to her, to talk to her; but I don’t. By the time she left yesterday it was late & although what I really wanted was, to drop her back home, however I didn’t. We met her at her home today, but I did not as much said a Hi or Bye to her. She looks at me & although I want to smile back, I don’t. I pretend that I don’t even notice her, that I do not have any feelings for her, anymore; but I do.

I’m consciously aware that this is because of the set of choices I’ve made in the past 3 weeks, after we actually stopped talking. I had actually reached the tipping point of being unhappy & miserable & doing & saying hurtful things, out of ignorance, unintentionally. I did not like what I was becoming. Although I accepted to myself, the fact that I was hurting so much, however what I hated the most was the way I was passing on that hurt to her. I hated the fact that I had become so weak, that I’ve stopped smiling, that I’ve become so silent from outside but there is so much noise inside my cranium, that I’ve become so bitter & resentful, however more than anything I despised the person that I was becoming.

I had reached a saturation point where I had to do have a radical turn around. It took me a long time to really understand that our life is what we choose to make of it, our life is result of our choices & what we are and how we feel is actually the way we have chosen to be & feel. I cannot blame anybody for the way I am feeling or for my circumstances. In any situation what happens to you is not as important as how you take it & how you respond to it. Our attitude does define our altitude’.

I’d hit rock bottom when I screamed at myself “ENOUGH IS ENOUGH! This is not what I want to be feeling & this is not who I want to be. This is just not me. This behavior is not right & is not fair to me or anybody else, and I better take stock right now.” I decided that first & foremost I need to start applying the 5 core secrets I learned in Yes+ almost a year ago & which I promptly did not practice. Over the months though, I’ve come to appreciate the truth, the universal ness, effectiveness & the profundity of these principles. And it was about time I put them in practice.

Apart from that I chose to remember these principles always, esp. when I start to fall into old habits & thought patterns:

1) Keep smiling, always. Nobody & nothing is important enough to snatch the smile of my face. Whatever happens, keep smiling, no matter what. Be happy.
2) I’ll be free to the extent I give freedom to others. Freedom to: say, do, be what they want.
3) Every moment presents itself with choices. Every moment consists of joy and/or tension, it depends on me what I choose. There’s no one to blame.
4) Rajesh Bhaiya told me once ‘Demand destroys Love’. I choose to set her free. She is free to do what she wants, let her be with whoever she wants, if it’s meant to be she’ll come back; if not, then some one better will come along, for me & for her too ‘cuz;
5) Everything happens for a reason & everything happens for the best, even though if it seems otherwise in that moment.
6) Be centered. Observe myself. Remember that feelings are fleeting. One’s which are not – surrender them. In any case I am not my feelings. Be unshakable.
7) Don’t get stuck in unpleasant or even pleasant sensations & experiences. Then those moments which you reminisce about, bring more misery. I surrender them before sleep everyday. I am fresh & new everyday. Pleasant or not past is past, live in the present moment, ‘cuz;
8) This is the only time I have - to be & do anything. Again it’s my choice how to make it count. And we get entangled in past or future only because we think that present moment is not enough, because we are not happy in the ‘now’, we try to find happiness in other times. Now is full of opportunities & challenges. I’ll be greatful for the present moment, no matter what.
9) I should be my best friend first, coz if I do not have an amicable relationship with myself how can I have a successful relationship with anyone else?
10) Find humor in life. Esp. in the things which are unpleasant. Half of the battle is won if only I can see the challenges in proper perspective & a good laugh does just that. If you look at some of the toughest moments in your life, you’ll laugh at most of them & you’ll laugh at the way you over reacted. Every cloud has a silver lining. Be optimistic.
11) The times when I feel insufficient, when I don’t like myself are the times when I havn’t given my 100%. I am aware now which guna is prominent in me at a particular time. I observe when I am not feeling myself & why.
12) Do whatever it takes! To be free, to be content, to be light, to get solutions, to love; a simple rule - do whatever it takes. Do that which scares me the most, to be liberated from it. Have the valor of the lion.
13) Become aware of my thought patterns & habits. Know when I am reacting on the basis of my habits & patterns & to comprehend things with knowledge & to respond with awareness.
14) "If you are against someone, you have no freedom from them. If you find fault in someone, and your mind is set against them, know that you are stuck with them, glued with them! Super glue!". Learn to forgive for my own peace of mind.

The reason I am not contacting her is because I declared to her the day we spoke for the last time that, I did not do anything wrong & with no wrong intentions & that “Even though I want to talk to you, I would not try to make any contact with you. You let me know when you are ready to talk” Hence, I haven’t initiated contact, as promised. For my part I said Sorry. She asked for distance, she has got that. She wants to reduce the distance; she’ll have to take the first step unequivocally. I am waiting. Both of us are being stubborn as usual. But, I think it’s for good. Right? She is happy with what she is doing now (I hope), with whoever she is talking to. I am focusing on becoming a better, stronger man, which is great for me.

I love her & nobody else can take her place. However, I am not ready to have a casual relationship with her, right now; the ‘Hi & Bye, How are you, I am fine too’ kind of superficial relationship. So even if we do not talk again, although it will be awful but it will still be better than having a pseudo relationship, where she refuses to open up. I will still love her & I guess this way it’ll be much better as I will not worry about expressing my love or waiting for her to confess her love to me or loosing my sleep over which guy is she talking to. I can wish the best for her, do things & care for her without letting her know. No complications.

We had reached a road where neither we were happy together nor we were growing together, but still we would feel the absence of each other. That’s Tamsik relationship. I believe that it’s neither a pre-requisite nor necessary for 2 people to be always happy together, to have a great relationship. But even if & when they are miserable & there are conflicts, they should be growing, maturing, developing, and changing for good. If neither is happening, there is no sense in being together. It’ll only create more negativity. So, it’s only smarter to take some time out to reflect & understand & then come back, as compared to growing apart permanently. She means a lot to me so I am taking that time. I still miss her but I am not morose. I really want to talk to her but not talking to her is not making me restless now. It’s more a Satvik state of being. There is no feverishness. As Rajesh bhaiya once said ‘The nature of the true seeker is such that if he has something he will enjoy it 100% but if he doesn’t have that, he will not become sad.’ That is bondage & freedom.

These 3 weeks have been great. I have been able to stick to my commitment of applying these rules, observing myself, surrendering when I start to fall back & growing fluidly. I truly hope that I come out a much stronger man & that we start talking as before. Till then:

The woods are lovely, dark and deep,

But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.

Celebration! Posted by In Search Of Myself , Wednesday, March 21, 2007 at 2:37 AM, in

Celebration means......

A foggy winter evening.
Four friends.
One barsaat.
Eight Samosas.
Four glasses of chai.

(OR)

Hundred bucks of gas.
A trusted old bike.
Walkman in the pocket.
And a lush green open road, at dawn.

(OR)

Maggi
A hostel room.
1.25 a.m
A season of F.R.I.E.N.D.S

(OR)

3 old friends.
3 separate cities.
3 coffee mugs.
1 internet messenger.

(OR)

Rain on a hot tin roof.
Pakoras deep-frying.
Friends dropping in.
A party.

(OR)

You and mom.
A summer night.
A bottle of coconut oil.
A head massage.
Gossiping about absent family members.

(OR)

Her.
Me.
Midnight.
Phone.
Fight & Giggles.

(OR)

New Clothes.
All Friends.
Building full of lights.
The night of Diwali.

(OR)

Overnight Train Journey.
Berth full of friends.
2 pack of cards.


A child's laugh, kadi-chaawal, surprise birthdays, aloo ka parantha with curd & butter, a diving catch, under the clouds on a moon-lit night, beach on a winter morning, smiling faces, picking the tab after dinner in a restaurant with mom & dad, her hand in mine, making someone laugh, crying during a movie, doing the thing that scares you the most & the rush afterwards......

The most precious & memorable moments are the simplest & quietest ones.

This was my adaptation of a sweet mail that's going around.

The Last Kiss. Posted by In Search Of Myself , Tuesday, March 20, 2007 at 7:41 AM, in

This weekend I watched: The Last Kiss. Everybody makes choices - What's yours? It’s a drama disguised as romantic comedy with lot of depth & soul. It makes you laugh & compels you to reflect. It’s about realizing that life is all about making choices. We make some good choices & we make some bad choices out of ignorance. It’s about finding what you want from life & being true to yourself in that pursuit. It’s about realizing when you’ve made a wrong choice, accept its consequences & make corrections. It's about those times in your life when you are on crossroads & making a decision is all too painful & difficult. Honoring our responsibilities to those who we love & care is supreme - but at times doing so means contradicting our own feelings & desires. What ever we decide, we must be prepared to live with the consequences, because in the end that's our choice. It’s a story of 4 friends since babyhood & the relationships which they have/go through with people they come across. Backed with some very melodious music & skilled performances.

The main story is of the leading pair, perfect for each other, deeply & happily in love with each other, living together, about to have a baby & about to get married. The guy is living the perfect life, as he had dreamed it would be when he’d turn 29. However, this is when the guy freaks out that there will be no more mystery, no more adventure in his life. What happens next is there story. How he makes one bad choice & how there relationship is changed & how he realizes what he really wants out of life.

Another couple is married with a new born baby & how he feels suffocated with his neurtic & over bearing wife. His wife is too much stressed in trying to take care of there child that they forget they also have a relationship between them which is slowly turning sour. How he confronts this with her wife, the turmoil they go though & how they both decide what will work for both of them

Another guy is still in love with his child hood sweetheart, who has split with him. But since they share the same friends circle, he keeps bumping into him. And that’s a problem because although the girl has moved on to seeing other people, he is still in love with his first love. How he tries to handle his feelings & the hilarity that follows is his story.

Last guy is the guy who just wants to have fun with women with no attachments or comittments. What happens with him & how honest he is with what he thinks is right is his story.

Then there are the parents of the leading lady who have been married for 30 years, how they come to terms with their relationship, how they deal with their truth & quietly strengthen the relationship is their story.

The movie is beautifully interwoven with the deep friendships these 4 men share & their relationships. You know the kind of friendship where in your friend knows every little detail about you, all your dark secrets, the one with whom you can be as crass or as disgusting or as absurd as possible & he would still laugh with you or advice you, without judging you, he/she knows everything that you’ve been through, your likes & dislikes, the one who is your anchor, your refuge, the one you rely on when nothing makes sense, the ones you can go to even at midnight.

"It doesn't matter that you 'Love' her. What you feel is only for you. The only thing that matters is what you do to the people you say you love."

Recommended watching!