Day1 Posted by In Search Of Myself , Friday, April 27, 2007 at 11:34 PM, in

Day 1 of a brand spanking new course. This is going to be an intimate course of 15 people & bhaiya. For the 1st time I am involved in a course from the very beginning. I spoke to people about it, informed them about it, got a few registrations, gave suggestions for improvements, prepared the hall, made the participants comfortable etc. Bhaiya has viral fever, still the smile never fades, intensity is 100%. Amazing!

I remember the 1st course which I did, May last year. Differences in me, my desires, thoughts etc. since then.

Q1. What do I want in life? (Be as specific as possible)

Ans, Then: Peace of mind, forgetting & letting go of certain feelings, events, people from my life, clarity, see things in proper perspective, finding my purpose.

Ans, Now: Car - Palio or Chevrolet-UVA, lots of new clothes esp. Kurtas, Laptop Dell or HP or Compaq with big screen 1 GB RAM SB-Live ATI-Radeon, letting go of things, being detached or dispassionate after helping someone & from results of any task I undertake, loving her unconditionally, being more assertive & comfortable esp. in a group.

Q2. What bothers you in life?

Ans, Then: Liars, arrogant & selfish people, street children's mentally & physically challenged children's, population, traffic, pollution.

Ans, Now: Nothing that is outside of me bothers me! I am bothered by my own wrong/immature/sub-conscious choices & attitudes, reactions/responses to events/people. However they may be - wrong/right, bad/good I am bothered by how I take them, how I perceive them. When I haven't given my 100%. The way things are with her.

Q3. What do I expect out of this course?

Ans, Then: All the things mentioned in Ans 1.

Ans, Now: Nothing. Just listen without judgments (art of listening), be 100% in all the processes, be aware & in the present moment.

Let's see how it goes...

Ab na jaa... Posted by In Search Of Myself , Monday, April 23, 2007 at 3:54 PM, in

Yesterday was bhaiya's brother's 'Roka' ceremony. Though it took me quite a while to understand that's what it was. Both, the bride & the groom were not present & we were invited to the 'Engagement' ceremony. Anyway, had nice time with cutie cheeks Sarveshvar & Shrikhar jumping all over 'Ashwani anna'. Food was delicious! Felt good while doing some 'service' after a long time, for the oldies. It's interesting to imagine how the families from both the sides would have come together, began a new relationship & have become one family. Just think, a few months ago they probably did not even know each other & even if they did they wouldn't have thought that the girl of one family & the boy from another family will bind them all together. That, I think, is one beauty of the institution of marriage.

Saw her during the ceremony yesterday. I wanted to talk to her, but I knew I won't. Not untill she wants to talk first. In fact I don't even look at her directly nowdays, coz that just reminds me how much I miss her. That's the reason i did not attend the satsang by our new band. I wanted to be there & cheer for her, sing with her, but...I missed her a lot esp. in the past 2 days. I got angry also thinking how can she not call or message me for so long. She left little early too. Got to know that she got upset coz other guys were teasing her for something. She even cried a lil' bit. She is not the kind who generally cries, at least not in front of others & not for something silly. Felt bad. Thought of messaging her, but didn't. Atleast I am not the one who is making her cry... or may be I am, dunno.

Nostalgia engulfs me



She was dressed in something like this lady in Euphoria's song. As soon as I saw her, this song - my favorite, just leaped up into my consciousness. Got nostalgic. Everything in this song reminds me of her & times we had together. Lyrics sing, what I feel. The candles, the snap, lyrics, bracelet, ear-rings, rain....Everything brings up this memory or that. I was sitting on the terrace of my home late in the night, enjoying the cool breeze, listening to this song, reading her messages, looking at her snaps. Feeling nostalgic but not sad. Few tears rolled down, but didn't feel sad, just missed talking to her & being with her & doing things with her.

I really hope we start talking at least on my B'day. That'll be the best gift I can ask for. That is my B'day wish.

This was my 2nd attempt at poetry for her. Posted by In Search Of Myself , Wednesday, April 18, 2007 at 7:14 PM, in

Why does one loves?

Why does one loves another? is a question sometimes we ask
To find this out, is such a difficult task.
Do we ask the rays, why the sun glows?
Do we ask the fragrance, why the wind blows?
Do we ask the ocean, why the water flows?
Do we ask the mountain, why does it snows?
Do we ask a seed, why does it grows?
The answer is; that's how god wanted it to be

& thus is god's wish for me, to love thee!
Love shouldn't be difficult; love shouldn’t be this hard,
It's not understood with the head, but is to be caressed with the heart.
You can't analyze, then bisect this & dissect that and then open it all apart
Coz my dear it's my heart and not your architecture chart!

That night when you were sleeping, I watched you for a while
That night when you were sleeping, all I could do was look at U...& smile.
That night when you were sleeping, I kept holding your hand
That night when you were sleeping, I knew this is where my heart will land.
That night when U were sleeping, the beating of my heart I could hear,
That night when you were sleeping, I know I could cry tears but still want you near.
I can still feel the fragrance and softness of your hand,
& ur lips parted as u broke into a smile, u hugged me closer & the moment was grand.

When I close my eyes I see your face,
When I sleep, I feel you and I embrace,
When I worship I pray
That you find the way
to my heart by 'his' grace.
When I laugh, I realize you are behind,
When I cry, You, I cannot find.

Cupid must have hit me with more than an arrow or two,
coz no matter what happens, I can't stop lovin' You.
Sometimes you take me for granted,
And that's not what I wanted,
I have learnt some things from my past,
To be able to look at my self in my own eyes, is one of that.
I have my dignity,
Please do not try to take it away with ur vanity.

I know U too feel something inside.
That, U do always want to hide.
U too want to fly, U too want to soar,
It’s has been a long moment in time for U to be trapped behind doors.
I want to give U wings; I want to fly 2,
And when U do, I want to be next to U.
I want to reach out and into U
I want U to reach out to me too.
I want to listen to your pain,
And those feelings of loss & fear which u still retain.

I want to travel with the rays of your hope; I want to soak in the warmth of ur smile,
I want to taste your tears; I want to walk with ur doubts
I want to brush away all the dark clouds,
I want to dive deep into ur heart & touch ur soul.
I have known U inside me in the waking hours long before we met,
A possibility to love you, I do desire to get.
Your voice, ur words, ur touch, ur presence, ur spirit to me is sublime,
For U I shall wait till the end of time.
I want you to give me some sign,
That 1 day I’ll be yours & U’ll be mine.

More than myself I Love You,
Coz 'I' have died for myself and in 'U' I live.
From you all my powers & strengths emerge,
In you all my efforts & hopes converge.
Life has a purpose, with U in my dreams,
But in your absence, death looks more meaningful.

In this story I might be the only person, who dies,
And I'll die because I Love You
And U don't seem to get a clue,
But One day, someday, something will warm your cold cold heart,
And U will find me gone, long gone, dead
In fire & blood.

But until then let my heart churn,
and for you it must yearn.
And then when I have crashed & burned
I hope this truth you would have learned,
That, you knew love all along,
That I loved you...just You and nobody else
Not ur semblance, not ur body,
...I just loved you, without a reason or excuse.
………………………………..
With Love,
~ @$h…

Happy New Year!!! Posted by In Search Of Myself , Saturday, April 14, 2007 at 12:14 AM, in

Today is Tamil New Year - HAPPY NEW YEAR!! If you made any resolutions on English new year, time to gauge your progress & if you promptly forgot your resolutions on the 2nd day of new year, time to renew them.

Today was mega satsang. One of my fav. songs - Radhe Govind Krishna Murare was sung. The song is heavenly, you just have to hear it. It has this contemporary feel, Garba beats, is very melodious & relaxes you instantly. Yo can't but sway with it. Meditation after that was deep.

Today I saw her, after what seemed liked ages. She was looking lovely as usual, although I liked her long curly hair better.

Felt nice. Did I feel sad or angry? No, I was infact happy just to see her & also not stressed as I used to be earlier, worrying who she's talking to or which guy is talking to her. Felt free. I did feel nostalgic, thinking about the good & bad times we had together. Anyway, I was happy just to see her smiling & content that at least I am not there to make her sad or cry. She laughs so exuberantly now days. Don't know if she's really warm & happy inside or is this just another mask of hers, to hide something. Anyway it warms my heart to hear her laugh. Just feel, if we can share the smiles & laughters sometime....

Both of us still can't be in the same room together because both feel uncomfortable & conscious.
Although I was much more in touch with myself than before. I have become more accepting of situations, places, her, what happened between us & myself. I am much more aware of what I am feeling/thinking & how I am responding/reacting.

She still thinks what I did was wrong, & I don't blame her for that. I know I haven't done anything wrong & my intentions were not wrong either, but I cannot & will not explain this to her, again. So, until she is ready to talk again, I'll wait, with faith.

Speaking about blame, I have realized the futility of holding someone else responsible for how I am feeling. I give away so much control & power to that person, over myself. Responsibility is the key word.

So, may this new year brings more Joy in her life, more warmth to her heart & more smiles to her lips; & new brain cells to me. Resolutions or no resolutions may you be kind, peaceful & happy. Amen! :)

It feels good. Posted by In Search Of Myself , Thursday, April 12, 2007 at 1:44 AM, in

Everytime I think about these, I smile!

Think about them one at a time before going on to the next one . .

-Waking up and realizing you still have a few hours left to sleep.
-Laughing for absolutely no reason at all.
-Finding 10 rupee note in your shirt pocket, after it had been washed & ironed few weeks back.
-No lines at super market
-Hearing your favourite song on radio
-Midnight phone calls that last for hours
-Having someone play with you hair/cheeks/ears/fingers
-Accidentally overhearing someone say something nice about you.
-Knowing that somebody misses you.
-Knowing you've done the right thing, no matter what other people think.
-Running into an old friend and realizing that some things (good or bad) never change.

Random Thoughts. Posted by In Search Of Myself , Friday, April 6, 2007 at 10:37 PM, in

I've been doing a lot of reading nowadays (most of it during office hours ;) ) as I am on this path & I have come across various intriguing thoughts which have struck a positive chord with me. So thought will put those up here:

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Deep inside in some corner, every thought lives a life, in a same way we live. The more u give time to each thought, the more it lives. Thoughts which don't get time will eventually die. Your body speaks the language that ur mind understands and it can really stretch to any limits you desire. In short "nothing is impossible".."
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"It hits you suddenly, how alone you are, nobody with you and you are all by yourself to figure out what to do next, where to go, whom to ask."

"That is how it is in life, isn't it?"

People who were fast friends once are strangers today. Strangers seem more familiar. The guy you spoke your heart out to once upon a time today thinks before saying hello to you. The girl who you thought knew everything about you, waiting on you head and foot, today doesn't stop to look if you are alive, and how.

Feelings, changing, changing, turning around, sooner or later. And my friend was right. That is how life is. You are out on this field that is your reason to be, and it is once full, once empty, but each time, you are out there alone. To fight your own battle. The closest of friends, the truest of lovers absent in the face of the magnanimous.

Just you and life, standing face to face, in neutral silence. Armed or otherwise.

You accept it. Because soon you see that is the way it is, not a handicap, but the rule of the game. This is the way you have to play it. After a point of time, you notice others too, all alone, standing in their very own Kanteerava Stadiums, empty or not.

And then you know you are not lonely. Growing together, not apart.
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"I think there are phases of life, one phase of life i am with someone sharing, laughing, movies, getting pampered, having fun. It feels good to depend on somebody, almost there is the urge to be dependent on someone. It feels good...that feeling is lovely...

and there is this other phase of life wherein I am all alone, trying to figure out things in life, but these are the phases in life, when actually I venture out and do something different something creative, something new, things which I otherwise may not do.

I guess both phases keep coming and going not in any particular order, or time duration...that is why life is fun :D "
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"...you have to learn to depend on yourself for everything.... and everything includes happiness too... I don't mean that you should not have family, friends or lovers or whatever to support you whenever you feel the need for it.... but you should learn to depend on yourself for everything... to fight, to pick you up, to bring a smile on your face....

you need to do this so that you allow them to get the time and energy to find that happiness within themselves too... in the pursuit of searching within yourself for happiness you unleash sparks of creativity within you... if you depend too much on others then you stifle the creativity within them...
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P.S: Thanks Reema, Goli & Alistair.